One

Thesis and the life of figuring things out are ideas which keeps going on in my head all the time,

Sigh, I kinda miss talking to this old paper. It was as if a lifetime has passed, and I have never wrote anything. Anyway, the life of figuring things out.

My greatest fear is the unknown, that is why anxiety kicks in whenever somebody asks me what will I do later on in my life...

Honestly, I don't know but Will I ever know? Sometimes I don't want to think things anymore because of the anxiety and frustration one face.

Perhaps, maybe I can tell to a certain someone what I really feel...


I don't know. I think not. I might have been bearing again false hopes.


 but yeah, cheers for this  new depressing post.

ComAge

Commitment is there, waiting for Age to grow and be fully mature, ready to be wed. Time flows swiftly, and Age is ready to tie the knot with Commitment.

They get married and bear one offspring named Responsibility. Together, Commitment and Age faces these challenges to handle Responsibility. 

Commitment was doing his best, to handle it yet Age, as high as she can be, falters. Because of this, both struggle to take care of the child. Commitment is tied down to other aspects in his life where his job cracks him and stress overpowers.

Age, stays at home for she relies solely on Commitment. She takes care of Responsibility, but she is also interested in other areas in her life such as play,and extravagance.

Both of them have priorities to venture out.

Responsibility is left alone, crying and waiting for both Commitment and Age to take care of him once more.

Crying loudly, Responsibility shriek for the both of them. Commitment, which is exhausted, tried to calm the child down, and Age follows.

See? Both Commitment and Age has their own faults and sometimes, Responsibility can be left forgotten, until he screams his lungs out for both parts to function.

Responsibility is like a child. It's easy to cry out and rant about it when you are not given it.

Yet when it comes to accepting it, nobody can handle it. Sometimes, passing it to others becomes the most easier way...and here comes blame, an argument between Commitment and Age.

Age is crying because of the blame. Commitment tries to console her, assuring that everything will be alright. Both of them, will try to adjust for Responsibility's sake.

Responsibility calms down for they try to work together for the child's betterment. The good thing is that Commitment and Age sometimes blame each other, but when they learn their mistakes, Responsibility can be rewarding and fulfilling.

Hope is there. Commitment and Age should always believe it.

Room Use

Try living in a room,where you are observing everyone. Their own language and gestures, and sometimes you also wonder if somebody is also observing you.

You realize that nobody will ever will, because you are not even looking. You are focusing on your own well-being, concentrating on what you have to do that is right for you.

I could try to figure everything out, seems like you, this paper, is the only one I could talk to. I'm living in the room, wherein people are suffocating. I feel suffocated whenever, I'm in that room where people are fond of each other, and you feel like a vacant stranger, listening to their own talks.

Ito ay isang istorya ng isang tao. Surely, napakaboring nito dahil mababasa ninyo itong mga iniisip ng isang babaeng nakaupo lang sa gilid, tahimik at walang sinasabi. Lagi nalang siyang nagmamasid sa paligid, parang sinisirado na niya ang kanyang pintuan, para hindi makikipagkapwa-tao.

Maiisip ninyo rin, na bakit siya ganoon. Meron din naman siyang mga kaibigan, ngunit kung saan may kinakailangan lang ito. Kung meron mang ipa-paannounce, may ipapaload, siya na ang no. 1 na dadangpanan. Meron din naman, pero if may mga kailangan lang ang pakay ng mga tao sa paligid niya.

Eto siya ngayon, nag-iisip. Conyo mang basahin, dahil "Taglish", (Tagalog-english) ang pagkasulat. Sige nalang, wala siyang magawa kundi aksayahin itong, "Mygel" na ballpen niya.

Ang daldal pala ng mga tao sa paligid. Paano nila nakakaya iyon?....

Usual trend

Sometimes, I wonder who is the dense one. I thought who is the one who never noticed ,and who never felt it first. Indeed, I haven't shunned the feeling that even a 4 month vacation can surpass.

Shit.

One word that summarizes the whole scenario. It defines what I look and see the situation for again, I have been the one who is fleeting, who is frustratingly hoping for something to blossom.

That's what bothers me. I know for the fact, that I have been the dumb one again and I don't want to linger upon those false unexpected hopes that you and me will.

If you know what I mean, fell for it...

I notice you a lot. I observe every inch of it and I felt a little uncanny jealousy of how others approach you so lightly. 

As for me, I'm just sitting in the corner, waiting. I asked myself that How did they do it? and pondered on that they are lucky to be friends with you and here I am, still stuck on being the classmate.

I think that it is better that way. It is much more simpler, lighter and comfortable for you and me. Besides, you are happier right now. 

Who am I to disturb and shatter that? A year is ahead and after it, We will be leaving our separate paths. Without any closure, and communication of what we are. 

Maybe, I tend to believe the idea that I will become a delusional idiot who thinks that you well, If you know what I mean... (I don't want to tell it because, of the fear of being labeled as a delusional idiot...)

Expressing these thoughts feels delusional. I know for the fact, that you never even noticed me. I believe that these stored feelings will remain what it is, hidden in the dark for you were never mine to lose. In fact, you were never mine to fight. 

You were never mine to long for. I accept that thought gradually for I know for myself, that I failed. 

The result is an unrequited love. 

The usual trend of my existence and maybe, I am designed in this world to be alone...

Hustling thoughts

Time passes. Usual sounds of traffic and loud noises of people hurrying to get to work. The real world in the city hustles as each individual is focused on their own problems and worries.

Walking quietly, I observed them. Slowly in my usual pace, I just stare at people walking in front. Ignoring the time, never minding that I will be late in my first class.

I'm walking slowly, thinking of that moment wherein I just wanted to live my life as quietly as possible. However, right now,  I realized that my life is slowly becoming as chaotic as it can be.

Sometimes, I think that I don't belong there. For the last 3 years of my life, I entertain such thought which is uncanny and frustrating. Questions start to clash in my head for why did I think of that lately.

Questions of disappointment and fear start boiling in. People start to see me in there which is a lot terrifying. I note to myself, for a long time, that I will pass by as an invisible soul.

Yet, I broke that solemn promise and because of that, I'm scared of facing the year ahead. I'm terrified of being judged, and for being seen, for being exposed.

These ideas bubble up for I have been known as a great pretender, a fellow who masks her own feelings and emotions.

I don't know what will happen to me next. I just keep moving forward and get the next ride just to get to class.

Blues

Predictably, my first day of being a representative is awful. Sometimes, I am so angry at myself because of it. I am so frustrated for I made a mistake again, for being late. I'm worried what others will think of me, for I didn't came on the right spot.

Sigh, it's exhausting. I just wanted a place to rant these thoughts in my head. The crowd of people out there is very overwhelming that my energy is zapped.

To be honest, I hate crowds and the feeling of resigning to the position always bugs my head. I'm often viewed as a misunderstood individual, a quiet fellow then that's who I am.

Here it is, I write these mishaps for I repress them inside of me. I repress and hide these mistakes. I even predict to the fact, that I might let those people down, yet I'm doing my best to be what they wanted to be, even though I'm not what they thought.

The feeling of giving up is present. I'm supposed to be enjoying my "last" first day,and I encountered the opposite.

Truthfully, I force myself to be an extrovert and it is awful after. As quoted in an article, "We know what we can and can't be.

We know what we have to be, well, we know what society expects us to do – to conform.  So, mostly, we do.

I share this memento because, truly, I can relate to it. Sometimes I wish to be the fella who have lots of energy, who can be as outgoing and sociable as I can be. However, I am not built that way. I'm doing my best to adjust, as quickly as possible and I don't know what the outcome can be.

Probably, today's first day is exhausting. Somehow, I must adjust so that I can get used to it.

Thank you anyway for listening, true friend.:)

Whereabouts

One wonders if their life is viewed from a one-sided mirror. Sometimes, I thought about watching myself in the real world, what I really am and will be always.

Sometimes, I just want to leave everything, drop it for I have enough. The idea of giving up so easily comes to my mind. This idea of not being good enough comes to my head every time I have been there.

Rejection is not new to me, yet I always thought of myself as a failure and a detached soul whose purpose in life is still fleeting. Right now, I'm sighing and complaining because I am imagining what my life will be if I had not made these decisions.

Often, I ask myself why I am here in the first place. This is the year in which I will be seen, and being seen, can sometimes be a curse and burden to me.

Sometimes, I wonder why the spirit from above made that decision for I assume that I will not be ready for it. That is what makes me nervous this year, and I know for myself, that I will do my best.

Do you even want to stop time and rewind, just to save you from now?

Regrettably, that thought echoes always.

But I'll be okay.