Bench

Walking halfway, there is this bench from school. This wooden bench in which randoms strangers sit and wait. Mounted on the ground, it is standing to hold every person's weight.

The description is already insignificant. It is just describing a wooden old bench beside a statue symbolizing what the school is about.

It is funny for once I remembered that old bench. It is the spot wherein I write my own thoughts during a class. It is the spot wherein I write my own whereabouts, as I sit and admire the leaves falling.

It is also ironic for it is the spot wherein I break down and cry. The location where I just burst into tears, and people were shocked why I break down.

That moment, the day in which people expect me to be joyous and happy, is also the day that I was grey, problematic and lonely. Even though it pains me to say it, I find that day dark.

In that bench, is also the moment wherein I never expected somebody to listen to my own problems. Though I find it pretty embarrassing for a stranger to hear my weaknesses, I find it enticing for once to be broken and vulnerable.

However, dark moments in life are also the days in which I find people who really care. There is also one person who somehow his hand once lift me up, for he offered it. I pushed myself to be okay, that everything will be alright, and that moment is the one that made me realize that it is. I never tell the reason why I was tearing that day to him, but I have never expected for that being to come through.

No wonder that bench is something special to me for it somehow, recognizes my own feelings even if I'm just a complete stranger, sitting on it.

When I visit again, that bench is the one I will long forward too.

Random note

All my life I wanted to be successful, savvy, and clever. Pretty much, every approach I heed on my entire life is to be rational, to be goal-oriented and to think things through.

I never take things personally. Every task given to me, I devote myself into. One sees me as this workaholic type, who ,every thought in her head, is to be successful, to have her efforts finally rewarded for the time being. I am that person who finds solutions (even some of them did or did not work). People view me as this tough and mysterious being who never backs down, concealing every emotion I have secretly for it might ruin my brain and interrupt my analysis.

To the one who might be reading this, I think you may ask if all my life,

Am I not bored or stuck living the same thinking of being goal-oriented?

 Am I used to living a life in which I can shoot an arrow, and expecting things I can control fall into the place I wanted them to be?

 For awhile, I find my life not worth living anymore. I find myself too controlling of every situation that I never stopped to let it go, once in a while. To live life freely as it should be, without my cold hands controlling everything. 

Sometimes, because of this nature of mine, I gambled one of the best friendships I have. In the end, I lost it because both of us, wither it. 

I felt lonely. For the first time, I learn to acknowledge my own feelings and emotions. Though, I'm tolerant at being alone, I felt cold and forgotten. 

Most teenagers in my age, will be problematic if what will they wear in the day, or when will they have a boyfriend or a loving relationship. Most fellas my age would be horrified if they were not invited to a party or any social event. Then, I realized that what sets me apart for most of them, is that I follow what my head will say. Sadly, I have a tough head and misunderstood aura, that all my life, I have been used to dwelling.

I don't know what to do. Yet, I believe that these thoughts will change gradually and slowly, in my own pace and time. 

Someday, I might know the answers. Someday, I might found a light that I will follow, perhaps even keep me warm even a little.

Thoughts

There might be times that I want to be invisible. Times wherein I want to not exist for sometime and be that non-existent and invisible soul who watches behind the sidelines.

These ideas are the one lurking inside my head, before entering something new. I wanted to be invisible. I wanted people to just pass by me. I never pictured myself as the person who is daring to be noticed by everyone, and be someone who will leave a mark to most people.

I did not think anybody could ever notice me and stood by me even. I push people away and I let myself guarded behind my wall wherein I feel safe and secluded.

Silence has been one of the truest friends I have, for it does not judge. It is a little amusing for I prefer being alone every time. Yet when I see people, enjoying each other's company, I felt a nagging sense of belonging.

I always tell myself, is there something wrong with me?

Before, I ponder that a lot. Time came and I realized that what others think of me, is not my own business. I am thankful though, because in the end, I realized that I am never alone.

There are also people out there like me, encoding these thoughts on their blogs and listening to some mellow music that clears the mind.

As introverted as I am, I can do anything. I will do my best always and God is always there, for he never leaves me behind.

Bubbly

Here is this bubbly girl. She is the light of the party, the one who will laugh with you and gives you a bright and lively moment.

She is so jolly and a comedian at heart. No dull times will occur when you are with her. Everything is infinite.
You wanted to be her friend because of her positive vibe, that obnoxious yet happy smile of hers. You admire her confidence, her guts to speak to people, and her attitude that will always shine whenever there is an event that people will always gather.

Her optimism is grounded. Honestly, you wanted too, to be like her. You wanted to have her positive vibe, that social butterfly attitude of hers is the one you wanted to learn also by yourself.

Friends are there right? They support you and held you up one by one. You are close, closer than others cannot even define. You are also hoping that her positive nature will be the one to guide you to be a better you, to be against the world. Both of you, against all odds.

You believed in her. You believed in the things you shared with each other. You believed and trusted.

Then, reality comes in. Here is when both of you, realized that you are too different. Both of you stand at the polar opposite of the pole. She is north, and you are south.

She is bubbly and you are quiet. Both of you needed each other but suddenly, the bubbly one walked away.

That girl she always thought that will stood by her thick and thin, is gone. You are left alone, afraid and confused for that optimism you always admired through her, switched off...
You wanted to asked why? for in the first place, you trusted her. You believed in her...thus, that question always left you hanging.

Yet, sometimes you realized that you cannot overestimate the power the change people. She walked away and you cannot do anything about it.

You have to do it alone, and you are used to it right. You are fond of being alone, quietly gathering all information to get the responsibility done. By then you realized, that sometimes you cannot count on anybody. Let alone, entrusting to someone your own self development and standards.

She is still that bubbly and optimistic girl you've always loved.

You are still the quiet one, observing in the background.

It's civil already. You chose to walk away too, for the relationship is not worth saving anymore.

PUJ

Ningsakay nako,

 

    Wa ma'y kaila, nindot ni kay ako ra usa

Tan-aw pud ko sa may bintana

    Nindot kaau ang hangin.

Nindot kaayo ang adlaw sa gawas,

    Pero ako...

Naghilak sa daplin

   Basig napuling ra siya, opinyon sa isa ka pasahero...

Gitabunan nako sa akong panyo...

   Wa ko naulaw sa akong kaugalingon?

 Wala ra man ang uban, nindot ni kay ako ra usa

Akong gipugong akong mga luha...

 

  Ulaw man...

Sa tanang lugar, sa dyip man gyud...

 Napuling ra ko kadyot...

Dihang naabot nako

  Undangi nang paghilak...

Wa naka sa PUJ.

  

  

Motivation

This note is for the quiet ones, wallflowers, who find happiness just by reading a book or looking outside, dreaming:

It is okay to be quiet, to live inside our own worlds that nobody knows.

It is powerful to speak your truth clearly, amidst all chaos and noises outside.

You have your own voice, use it and say something clever for it is worth remembering.

It is okay to decline a social event into a good book, or a time wherein you can unwind and get lost outside.

It is even better, to spend time alone for solitude is a loyal friend of ours.

Silence is even sweeter, unique even for it is rare in this noisy world.

So if people will judge you, belittle you...

Let them be.

For we, wallflowers, just observe them quietly...

inherit their own opinions into our own minds...

So embrace silence,

for in reality,

it is one of the purest friends indeed.

A sarcastic note about what I feel...

I guess you are going to hear again, my own rants and thoughts, about what is going on. Truth is, I had enough of everything...

Inside of me, I wanted to scream these crashing thoughts. However, bearing and concealing it with a cold poker face is the one saving me from my own sanity. It is exhausting and I have been used to dealing with it, handling everything on my own yet I'm starting to doubt what I can really do.

I just felt miserable, let alone sad just thinking about it. Yet, I know that for the first time, I learn to acknowledge my own feelings and letting it be because I could not even handle everything anymore. I have my own limits.

I conceal these thoughts in my head by bearing a cheery smile and face. I think also that this is what I'm good at, withholding anything and never letting anyone in.

I can't please everyone... and sometimes, I find it frustrating because when it's time for me to say no, a big no, I end up feeling guilty of myself, not doing the said task.

THE PROBLEM IS ME. IT IS ALWAYS ME. and that's my own curse. It's the one making me angry, irritated and frustrated inside.

I'm smashing words because I'm angry at myself. I'm frustrated and misunderstood. Why do I need to pretend? Why do I need to mask what I really feel just to please anyone and get the job done? It's the job that I love, not much on the crowd or anybody else to make friends with.

It's irritating to let people push one to be sociable, you have to be extroverted to let people like you and let them follow you. Why can't they accept that this is who I really am? It's fuming inside, and these thoughts, these voices in my head are the ones bothering me, making me question who I really am, doubting of what I can do anymore.

That's it. Today, I'm dying inside and to tell you the truth, I'm starting to think about it again...

"It", death. Killing, let me suffer to wipe myself out of existence...

Forgive me, my old friend to making you hear my own rants and drama about this dull, hopeless life. Though, I'm thankful that you are the one who helps me through thick and thin, I felt appreciative about it.

I'm lost. I don't know what to do anymore...

I don't know if I could save myself, from my own sanity...