Scribbles 23

"It's amazing how I can be so blunt about everything but my feelings."

Probably, the statement really struck me because I can relate to it. I find it weird (and amazing) at the same time because when people, or probably friends keep sharing about their own love lives, I find the situation awkward and empty because I never tend to experience it.

Somehow, I accepted the fact that I can be abrasive at times when it comes in doing the job and I know myself for being a cold and logical being but when it comes to feelings, emotions, and probably yeah love (even I am writing weirdly), I find it uncomfortable mentioning it and not thinking about it because for this one specific reason:

I....am.....scared.

Scared of being hurt by selfish and careless actions; afraid of being confined and trapped in a stuffy relationship; and, I'm scared to give away my individuality and freedom for such person if ever.

However,even though I'm scared, I'm willing to wait, if ever for the right person which this rare quality that I really look and I consider that person, very special.

I long for a person, the guy who will have the guts to outwit me, probably beat me in my own game and have the courage and sincerity to say it straight to me how he really feels. Then, that person is a keeper.

In fact, that person is so courageous, and special because he well, beat me.

In reality, Some people even though how deeply they will fell in love to such person can be hurt by some unconscious actions.

And I think that's why I prefer feeling it, and then easily, get over it because I,myself have my own priorities to choose. I choose to follow my own gut and my brain, rather than my emotions trying to take over.

Yeah,just a cold and boring post because I see myself as a mental person, rather than an emotional one.

However, I do hope that I will find someone whose demons are compatible with mine.

Even this logical person is also a sucker in Soul-mates and meant-to-be scenarios. But nah, I have to focus on my goals and dreams first.

Scribbles 22

All I want is understanding and acceptance of who I am and who I am not.

Probably, that is why I am so cold and aloof because I hardly trust others when it comes to emotions and problems because I find it stressful and awkward.

That's why I always wonder, that how can a logical and technical,and what others say as,"boring", fit in in this crazy world?

But then again, that's who I am. It's not my obligation to please others, and sometimes, I tend to bring my guard down because I also liked transparency of thoughts and ideas.

I maybe have many friends, some true friends, but I tend to make light encounters for them to be better.

I love to make smiles on their faces because well, I'm also a direct and friendly person.

Then again, when it comes to feelings and stuff, I find it weird and sometimes, numb to the fact that I hate mentioning about it.

Others might call me for help because actually, I find helping better to ease my mood and I'm happy about it.

I'm used to hiding those anxieties that I feel inside because people might find it dragging, plus I have to set those aside for the work to get done.

I'm used to hiding my anger but then again, I rarely get mad because I value the importance of that relationship rather than destroying it. I hate it seeing myself angry because it is such a waste of energy.

Yeah, nice talking strange,and online paper!.:)

Freewriting

I was in the room as my siblings do their own usual routines. Probably, my only companion in the room is my mind and some music to ease it. Then again, I hate to be bored so I just want to talk, or withdraw these words that I have been keeping in just to make my heart at ease.

Things jumble around as I face each reality everyday. It's weird and funny of how long the time passes, and how my journey makes me contented and happy.

 In reality, life is always a balance of sadness and happiness but it is one's choice of which memories and happenings he will treasure. I tend to look at life as a humorous gag and an ironic splash of reality. Well, there is always a purpose of why things happen in one's life.

There is a purpose of why my mother tends to be like that because it helped me become stronger but it also hinders me of saying what I really feel in her face.

I still believe that there is a time that my mother will realize that she raised an independent daughter who is capable of making the right choices.

There is a purpose of why I was trained to shut up, and listen to every single critique,insult, and judgement of others. It helped me to realize that people are not worth compromising because it is never between me and them.

I still believe that there is a time that they will realize that but I will still continue to do what's right despite the costs.

There is a purpose of why that guy and me well, separate and distance tears us apart.

It made me forget that feeling thus, helping me to focus on what's more important and it is never meant to be. I have learned to let it go and believe me, it's fulfilling and a blessing.

There is a purpose in everything. Most people in my life are passing through but, there is also the real ones, true friends, who stay and I appreciate that fully.

Besides, people come and go and there will come a time when one has to face their journey peacefully, and alone.

Moreover, I find this post funny because it is like I was making a last will and testament. Dude, I'm still engaging to deep thoughts mode and that's who I really am. I always float and daydream during free periods.

Therefore, I conclude that I am still a person, a lot weird person but I find that exciting.

Nice talking!

The Name

Damsel.

People always asked me how do I get that name. 

Well, my mother liked fairy tales where there are dragons, princes, and damsels present there. She liked reading those stuffs and no wonder, she gave me that name.

I find it unique because few or rare people in the world has that name. 

Though uniqueness is its positive side, I find the name quite vulnerable because "damsel" in layman's term is the girl who always look for her knight-in-shining armor all the time. "Damsel" in the dictionary always wanted to be saved rather than hold those responsibilities for herself and be independent.

That's also why, I prefer being the independent henchman, rather than the "damsel-in-distress" or a princess wanted to be saved by a knight in shining armor.

Then again, knight-in-shining armors never exist in this generation but I never know that.

I prefer living in this reality as a sensible and practical person and leave those fantasy worlds behind. 

I prefer leaning to a logical platform because that is where the truth always prevail. I learned how to live my life as practical as possible,observing and thinking rather than letting my emotions handle me in my life.

That's why I fancy the public,because they are naive. I don't have to compromise myself to them because they are not worth it.

Scribbles 20

Finally, I have done all my responsibilities in the last few days. Then, I can write random stuff in this strange online paper.

I can't believe that I did it and I feel honored and humbled. Well, at least I earned income to pay for my tuition,then I can be at peace.

AND Today, It's MOTHER'S DAY.

Yeah, I greeted my mother earlier as I woke up,then I helped her with the chores in the house. At least, it was a light encounter because I know my mother helped me a lot in discovering myself.

Then, I find it overwhelming because in the last few days, my parents really helped me a lot and for once, I wasn't alone.

Here, a random picture just to end this short skit: