Dear Friend,

I haven't typed for a while for indeed, I'm participating life.

In the sense, I'm still figuring out if I'm happy or sad. However, that is life right? A balance of both happiness and sadness?

An uncertain mystery that keeps moving on?

At least, it's the break so I have time to fill you up with introverted thoughts.

It's funny right? How I can be so talkative here inside my head, rather than on the outside world...

How I can be so tactful, flowing words out swiftly from my brain, rather than talking it out with a lots of people...

Maybe in the outside, I'm deeply staring at an empty blank space, perhaps a wall or an outdoor scene.

I guess, I find myself wandering again inside my own head.

Detached, as usual. Music in the background, the tune of the piano playing yet I'm satisfied.

At least, it's the break, I have time to repress those feelings. I have time to let those feelings die out for it's not even worth it.

I'm used to such habit. I find it funny for I can't believe I almost fell for it.

At least, I think I'm happy.

Or am I? Skeptic as usual.

I think I confuse you a lot, but I'm not apologizing because it's my own.

At least, I will give you thanks for listening.

Introverted thoughts

I seek happiness. Everybody does. I seek joy, sorrow, pain, love, lust, excitement, compatibility, desire, affection, and fulfillment.

Most importantly to be happy, I mean who isn't. I want someone to share life with, friends that realize and accept who I really am.

Whether, I never tend to admit this illogical thoughts,it is true.Some repress this so deeply and are such in denial and such misery, that I have accepted this as a way of life and be contented with loneliness, if nothing else to prove that I am wrong.

I am tolerant at being alone, and perhaps, I tend to need more alone time than anybody else but that doesn't mean I don't need love and companionship-quite the contrary.

People might find it selfish and intriguing, that I detach myself in a room full of people, quietly analyzing the things going on in my head. But that's just it is, I prefer following the rational part of my brain rather than making my decisions based on my feelings.

I compartmentalize anything,every aspect of my life, finding a neat tidy box to store emotions in a dark corner in my head because I find them unnecessary and confusing because of its ambiguity.

Ambiguity, in the sense, that I am unfamiliar with them and hate talking about them. It's complicated.

I have everything already figured out, mapped out, and ironed out through and through, adding another human to the mix would completely upset everything and

I hate change. I panic and over-analyze everything which is so frustrating because it doesn't make sense. I am lethargic, and restless because my mind is utterly obsessed with new ideas, strategies that will somehow make my world tick.

So what? I'm doomed?

Quite the contrary, No.

Life takes work and I must learn one thing, perhaps learn it the hard way as possible.

I must learn to trust.

When I find the right person, suddenly everything seems clear and maybe, life becomes more exciting and fascinating to watch how different my partner is from you, and how that person and I can work together and grow. Suddenly, the immovable objects in my life are moved because I want them to be and maybe,

That's what life is all about: compromise, love, forgiveness, happiness, family, companionship...

As long as I never close this door in my heart, everything will be okay.

Opposites

You are annoying.

That cheeky grin you always had on your face, splitting it in half, is very disturbing because you are so jovial. You are so sunny and jolly that I find it very disturbing. Your face when you distort it just to try to make me smile is a valiant and intriguing effort.

You are dumb and stupid for making those silly noises just to get my attention. What freaks me out the most, is that you are so happy, finding every glimpse of light about everything and you can almost land on your feet.

You never take anything so seriously and that's what I hate the most of you. Yet, when it comes to that special someone, you fell flat, and tongue tied and it's so annoying because you don't have the guts to say it to her face.

Despite of all that,

You are very sweet.

That cheeky grin you always had on your face, splitting it in half, is what makes me weak at the knees,making my gloomy days get brighter than usual. You are so sunny and jolly that I find it hard because of my cold shell. Your face when you distort it just to try to make me smile is an intriguing effort which makes me wondering, even my logic cannot handle it.

You are dumb and stupid yet you accept it. You even apologized for it, but you don't have to justify who you are because you already have my attention. What freaks me out the most, is that you are so happy, finding every glimpse of light about everything and I find it admirable.

You never take anything so seriously and that's what left me hanging. Yet when it comes to that special someone, I was heartbroken, in the sense that you fell flat and I'm stuck, hanging in an uncertain balance. What intrigues me the most, is that you don't have the guts to tell her.

Just tell her and it would make you happier.

Even though it breaks me inside, just tell her. I'll be sadder if you do not.

Reasons

The reason why the world exist, is because it does. It is constant and unchanging and everything happens for a purpose.

Just a thought in my head as I was sitting in the dining table. My mind is full of voices, thoughts overlapping and ideas interchanging. I just live inside my head that's all, because it is where I can concentrate more. Pretty much, I tend to be skeptical about the things happening outside in my head because in reality, everybody has its ugly truth. 

That is also the reason why, I detach myself, in a room full of crowded people because I often think about something, maybe figuring out a puzzle that exists in my head.

People might find it selfish that I am detached. They might find it difficult to break the wall I have built around them because I created it for my own personal gain. 

However, as generous and righteous as I think I am, I am selfish, like everybody else. Selfish in the interpretation of being scared that people can use your vulnerability to their own advantage. 

It's an ugly and scary world outside, but even if it is, I tend to find a light that had changed my perspective of the world.

Introverted as I am, I prefer being alone because I find it relaxing, rather than being in a crowd of strangers draining your energy, and sucking your thoughts, leaving your brain dead.