5 things

I can't sleep right now because of plates, projects, emotional biases,problems that uhhh, sometimes I want to jump off a cliff and scream. (Just kidding, I just let my frustrations out)

Hmmm, Then I wonder if I post something cheesy in this blog. Let's say the things that always make me smile and happy.  

A classmate asked me once that why I'm always sad all the time. Well, I laughed because it is just my default face. Anyway I will just list and explain 5 things that always make my cold heart warm.

1. Coffee- Yes, I am a big coffee drinker. I love its taste and smell because it eases me and relaxes me. Moreover, it always keeps me awake after a night of struggle in making plates and thinking about complicated stuff. Without it, I will suddenly became weak and inactive. Well, it is such a great stimulant and it really serves purpose.

2. Music- Rock, Acoustic, OPM, and yes, Love songs. Cheesy right? Well, I love listening to music because it drifts one back to the old times and even brings back reciprocated and even bitter feelings away. In the morning, amidst the commuting world, I really appreciate jeepneys with old music and not really into the disco mode. Imagine,in the morning and the radio of the jeepney just played Nicki Minaj or even Justin 

Bieber, man, the mood of the morning just went bad.

3. A nice and long Walk- For me, walking is not just an exercise but a "day dreaming" regime. It is like daydreaming but you are moving and awake. I prefer walking because it is cheap and practical especially if the location is nearer at your place. Unlike UP, it is very far so it is impossible to walk from the south to there.

4. Air- Yes, it is obvious. Without it, you will likely die. So, I'm happy that I am still breathing everyday. Moreover, it listens to all your frustrations and emotional breakdowns just by passing through you. It is invisible but one can still feel its presence.

5. Oranges- I love its citrus scent. Plus, it reminds me of someone. However, bad luck came when my father eaten the orange I was supposed to give to somebody. Well, that is the past.

That's it. Just 5 things because I don't want to be cheesy or anything. Hehehe.

 Anyway, nice talking to you, strange and blank online paper.

Sigh.

That awkward moment, when your own father and aunts already question what gender you are...

Man, it is frustrating to think about it again. I recall my father's question," Tomboy ka day? (Are you lesbian?). My face turned red because I cannot believe that he asked such question. It is insulting because he explains the way I dress (haggardly perhaps), when I am always with girls, and the fact that I have never, yes never had a boyfriend.

It is frustrating.

I burst out my anger that I already lectured him about being gender bias. It is exhausting and I pour my heart out. I told him that even though I dress this way (the haggard outfit, just a jeans and a plain shirt) does not mean I am a lesbian. I love portraying male characters because they are interesting especially the villains and it does not mean I'm a lesbian. Sigh, I was strong about it and my father just sat there pretending to listen.

I just skipped the fact that my "love life" is empty and I suffered because of that former "guy" (but I have outgrown the feeling). I even told them that I am very concentrated in my studies that I do not have time to care about having a boyfriend or not. (Honestly, it might be nice but nah, it is impossible for me.) My aunts also tease me about it for being single for a long time. I thought that I am not like my cousins who had boyfriends at an early age. I am not even like my parents who got married at an early age.

Which leads us back to fact that my life is empty, cold and dark but I am not afraid. Actually, i don't even care. It is just that if God gave me the opportunity (to fall in love,maybe) why not give it a chance?

However, I am really weak when it comes to that aspect.

I ended my defense with a big sigh and continue my work. At least, my mother miraculously supported me with my decisions. I was happy for that.

Let me.

I should just forget about it.

I should shut it down once again.

I survive without it for a long time.

How much more today? I could let it go again.


But these questions are still boggling me,

If I let go, will you hold my hand and at least, let me hanging?

If I give up my feelings for you, will you stop me?

Too bad, I'm just talking to myself, pretending, and not to you.


I admire how you try to open my heart again.

However, you just sneak a peek and never make it fully open.

Even though, I still appreciate you for that.

Thank you for at least, sneaking inside these cold prisons of mine.


But these questions still remain the same,

If I let go, will you hold my hand and at least, let me hanging?

If I give up my feelings for you, will you stop me?

Too bad, I am still talking to myself, pretending, and not to you.

Eponine

I was done watching Les Miserables (yes, I'm a noob because I was out of date) and I cannot help to relate my life to the role of Eponine (which was played by Samantha Barks).

Unrequited love is not new to me. It is ironic when guys whine and complain that girls always "friendzone" (* just friends) them. Too bad, girls like Eponine and me are not exceptions to the friendzone syndrome. I have been to her shoes. I imagine that the guy that I like was walking beside me on my own. I pretend to be happy because he is near. I love him but only on my own. Though most of the people know me barely noticed it, My life has been cold and dark but I am unafraid.

I remember the guy that I used to love from a distance long ago. It took me a decade (10 years, and it is a true story) to get over the feeling since the guy is a long friend of mine. I have been to the path that Eponine went. I cared for the guy and treat him honestly and lovingly yet his eyes were blinded by another girl. I experienced being the bridge for them to be together for I know that would make him happier. I make a move for the guy for the girl to like him. I know that you will screw me up for being so naive and innocent but for me, it is the right thing because it would make him happy. I never told him what I really felt in the last 10 years and the feeling inside rot through time.

Somehow, I dislike girls who always complain that they need a guy by their side always. They cannot live without them and they cannot breathe without them. They are the ones who were desperate to need somebody by their side. However, I was not wired that way. Forgive me for being so bitter (or in my term, realist), I am more comfortable living alone.

I would like to end this by quoting the best line (for me) of Eponine in Les Miserables:

"Don't you fret, Monsieur Marius. I don't feel any pain. A little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now."

Angst

It's hard to see myself holding it shut. However, it is more difficult to not see you happy. I can sacrifice my feelings for you because you are happy with her. I cannot do anything, frozen on the ground bearing the screams of my conscience that say," Wala na kay mabuhat ana. Di ka ana, nalipay na siya."

I can hold it in but I cry alone whenever I think about you and my illusions that you and I can be together. I cry myself out in the darkness and preventing others to see my vulnerabity, my single weakness. I'm used to be that person who endures everything for the reason that I want to see the people that I love happy.

Though I have to congratulate myself for feeling again, the scenario is still the same. I love someone secretly. I waited for a sign that hopefully will come. Yet, I'm stuck in the realm of hope. It's stupid, Isn't it? I am too cowardly to tell him what I really feel because I'm terrified of the result I will get. I have been rejected and my heart has been broken many times, yet I still hide the pain and move on.

However, It's okay. As long as he is happy, I am happy even if not with me. Even from afar, an utmost distance, If he is happy, then I can be at peace.

Damn

 Too bad, someone has already eaten the orange. Damn myself for being introvert and cowardly.

It's the same thing all over again;The bitter pulses and the cowardly voice that always screams inside of me is always interfering. The pessimist view of giving something, and over thinking things is the most frustrating genes that I have ever had. (Insert crappy words of frustration and disappointment)

That's all for now. Sorry for the outburst.

Realist

I'm not bitter. I'm a realist.

It's just the way things are for me. There is always an ending in every story; a dead end in every corner; an ironic surprise that always gives one a lesson.

That's the beauty of life, or in a realist sense, the challenge of life.

The Grinch

I never believed that I could feel again.

I loved someone once but it's a long time ago.I lost count. I don't mean to be overly dramatic or anything but I shut down my heart to the fact that I have lived a life of emptiness and apathy. I view people as road signs on traffic. They warn you, stop you, slow you down, let you go, and let you wait. Moreover, like any other road signs, people are just mere objects that makes you move on. It is your choice if you want to go back to that road, or keep moving forward towards your destination.

My life has been a complicated and silent one. Many friends did not notice it because of my laid back and "naning" personality. I also thought that the thing that made my life complicated is I'm stuck and pinned down in my duties and obligations in my life such as studies and making my family proud. I remember in High school I'm having a mutual relationship with books and schoolwork. I was robotic, analytical and systematic. I have two close friends and a pen and a paper to keep me company.Walking is a romantic date with an invisible friend and thinking is our ideal conversation of how we get to know each other.

That's why I'm envious of how people say that "I miss high school very much, I wish that I could go back." Well, I just say that it's good for them but I keep it on my mind.

My mind and my subconscious. It's a personal sanctuary where my unresolved feelings and words are dumped and rot for a long time. When I like someone, I keep it to myself because I was too coward to say it. I hate it because I am good at lying and hiding my feelings, masking it with work and school stuff. 

That's the past. It will always stay that way.

But I like to thank that one person who had the guts to make my heart open again.

Thank you.

Life as a fine arts student, hmm.....

It's amazing that I had no words to describe it.

After 2 years, I'm back.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've been able to put something in this blog. I think the reason is I finally finished Comm 1 and ignored this blog for so long.

 Anyway, I will try my best to write more often. I will fill this blog full of my write-ups that I tend to write in a piece of paper but had no chance to publish this online.

I'll publish something now.