Sometimes the worst part of being
in love is its uncertainty. People longed for this emotion that sometimes they
never mind being vulnerable because it is love, a fluttering emotion that gives
happiness, bliss, and joy. However, the idea of it is beautiful but it does not
mean that it’s always happy.
In the past, I dreamed that my love story will
be similar to my parents- they are childhood friends that ended up being
together. Such happiness and joy that
they ended up but despite of that, they still argue but it is natural in a
rational way.
The only guy that I have ever
loved was my first love from elementary. Honestly, part of my mind is the sense
of longing that one day we will meet in the future, and maybe have a chance
again. I dreamed that distance always makes the heart fonder and one day, he
will realize that I still long for him and he is still there because he is
special. I believed the statement, that
first love never dies and the fantasy that one day, we will meet and start
again. The fantasy of good things will come to those who wait and long for it
and the dream of us, ending up happily ever after.
However, as I grow and face
reality, I shunned myself for thinking these thoughts when I was young. I beat
myself for being an idiot, for dreaming that someday we will meet and realize
that we can be more than friends. I waited for him but sometimes, back in my
head that what if I waited for nothing thus again, leaving me lonely and
defeated.
Furthermore, people change and
feelings change. I accepted the fact that the love I endure cannot be
reciprocated. Though I’m used to being the defeated person, if he is happy with
another then let it be. I have no right to do anything because if it’s not
meant to be, I have no choice but to leave it broken.
Leaving it broken, that’s how I’m
used to live. I maybe strong on the outside but in the inside lay a broken and
sad person. The thought of uncertainty that the love I build cannot be
reciprocated is in the back of my head but the thought of there might be chance,
is also there.
Honestly, love is a confusing
maze because even this precise mind, cannot even figure out. However, I don’t
really rush these things.
I even prefer not to feel anything and stick to
my own priorities and family and I still want to mend those wounds.
However, I still longed for that
first love.
Yes, even this precise mind is an idiot when
it comes to love.
Honestly, I still longed for him
even if it makes me sad because I’m hoping this sadness and sacrifice will pay
off in the future.
However, time will tell and life is
unpredictable. These words that I constructed will become the biggest lies I
have ever read in the future because I never underestimated the power of
change.
One never knows what will happen
but I still believe that God writes my own love story. God has plans for me
because I’m his daughter.
And chances are, I don't want to think about it anymore. I choose to let you go and yeah, I have to keep moving forward.
And chances are, I don't want to think about it anymore. I choose to let you go and yeah, I have to keep moving forward.
“Without me, his world will go on turning, a world that’s full of
happiness that I have never known.”-Eponine (Les Miserables)
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