ComAge

Commitment is there, waiting for Age to grow and be fully mature, ready to be wed. Time flows swiftly, and Age is ready to tie the knot with Commitment.

They get married and bear one offspring named Responsibility. Together, Commitment and Age faces these challenges to handle Responsibility. 

Commitment was doing his best, to handle it yet Age, as high as she can be, falters. Because of this, both struggle to take care of the child. Commitment is tied down to other aspects in his life where his job cracks him and stress overpowers.

Age, stays at home for she relies solely on Commitment. She takes care of Responsibility, but she is also interested in other areas in her life such as play,and extravagance.

Both of them have priorities to venture out.

Responsibility is left alone, crying and waiting for both Commitment and Age to take care of him once more.

Crying loudly, Responsibility shriek for the both of them. Commitment, which is exhausted, tried to calm the child down, and Age follows.

See? Both Commitment and Age has their own faults and sometimes, Responsibility can be left forgotten, until he screams his lungs out for both parts to function.

Responsibility is like a child. It's easy to cry out and rant about it when you are not given it.

Yet when it comes to accepting it, nobody can handle it. Sometimes, passing it to others becomes the most easier way...and here comes blame, an argument between Commitment and Age.

Age is crying because of the blame. Commitment tries to console her, assuring that everything will be alright. Both of them, will try to adjust for Responsibility's sake.

Responsibility calms down for they try to work together for the child's betterment. The good thing is that Commitment and Age sometimes blame each other, but when they learn their mistakes, Responsibility can be rewarding and fulfilling.

Hope is there. Commitment and Age should always believe it.

Room Use

Try living in a room,where you are observing everyone. Their own language and gestures, and sometimes you also wonder if somebody is also observing you.

You realize that nobody will ever will, because you are not even looking. You are focusing on your own well-being, concentrating on what you have to do that is right for you.

I could try to figure everything out, seems like you, this paper, is the only one I could talk to. I'm living in the room, wherein people are suffocating. I feel suffocated whenever, I'm in that room where people are fond of each other, and you feel like a vacant stranger, listening to their own talks.

Ito ay isang istorya ng isang tao. Surely, napakaboring nito dahil mababasa ninyo itong mga iniisip ng isang babaeng nakaupo lang sa gilid, tahimik at walang sinasabi. Lagi nalang siyang nagmamasid sa paligid, parang sinisirado na niya ang kanyang pintuan, para hindi makikipagkapwa-tao.

Maiisip ninyo rin, na bakit siya ganoon. Meron din naman siyang mga kaibigan, ngunit kung saan may kinakailangan lang ito. Kung meron mang ipa-paannounce, may ipapaload, siya na ang no. 1 na dadangpanan. Meron din naman, pero if may mga kailangan lang ang pakay ng mga tao sa paligid niya.

Eto siya ngayon, nag-iisip. Conyo mang basahin, dahil "Taglish", (Tagalog-english) ang pagkasulat. Sige nalang, wala siyang magawa kundi aksayahin itong, "Mygel" na ballpen niya.

Ang daldal pala ng mga tao sa paligid. Paano nila nakakaya iyon?....

Usual trend

Sometimes, I wonder who is the dense one. I thought who is the one who never noticed ,and who never felt it first. Indeed, I haven't shunned the feeling that even a 4 month vacation can surpass.

Shit.

One word that summarizes the whole scenario. It defines what I look and see the situation for again, I have been the one who is fleeting, who is frustratingly hoping for something to blossom.

That's what bothers me. I know for the fact, that I have been the dumb one again and I don't want to linger upon those false unexpected hopes that you and me will.

If you know what I mean, fell for it...

I notice you a lot. I observe every inch of it and I felt a little uncanny jealousy of how others approach you so lightly. 

As for me, I'm just sitting in the corner, waiting. I asked myself that How did they do it? and pondered on that they are lucky to be friends with you and here I am, still stuck on being the classmate.

I think that it is better that way. It is much more simpler, lighter and comfortable for you and me. Besides, you are happier right now. 

Who am I to disturb and shatter that? A year is ahead and after it, We will be leaving our separate paths. Without any closure, and communication of what we are. 

Maybe, I tend to believe the idea that I will become a delusional idiot who thinks that you well, If you know what I mean... (I don't want to tell it because, of the fear of being labeled as a delusional idiot...)

Expressing these thoughts feels delusional. I know for the fact, that you never even noticed me. I believe that these stored feelings will remain what it is, hidden in the dark for you were never mine to lose. In fact, you were never mine to fight. 

You were never mine to long for. I accept that thought gradually for I know for myself, that I failed. 

The result is an unrequited love. 

The usual trend of my existence and maybe, I am designed in this world to be alone...

Hustling thoughts

Time passes. Usual sounds of traffic and loud noises of people hurrying to get to work. The real world in the city hustles as each individual is focused on their own problems and worries.

Walking quietly, I observed them. Slowly in my usual pace, I just stare at people walking in front. Ignoring the time, never minding that I will be late in my first class.

I'm walking slowly, thinking of that moment wherein I just wanted to live my life as quietly as possible. However, right now,  I realized that my life is slowly becoming as chaotic as it can be.

Sometimes, I think that I don't belong there. For the last 3 years of my life, I entertain such thought which is uncanny and frustrating. Questions start to clash in my head for why did I think of that lately.

Questions of disappointment and fear start boiling in. People start to see me in there which is a lot terrifying. I note to myself, for a long time, that I will pass by as an invisible soul.

Yet, I broke that solemn promise and because of that, I'm scared of facing the year ahead. I'm terrified of being judged, and for being seen, for being exposed.

These ideas bubble up for I have been known as a great pretender, a fellow who masks her own feelings and emotions.

I don't know what will happen to me next. I just keep moving forward and get the next ride just to get to class.

Blues

Predictably, my first day of being a representative is awful. Sometimes, I am so angry at myself because of it. I am so frustrated for I made a mistake again, for being late. I'm worried what others will think of me, for I didn't came on the right spot.

Sigh, it's exhausting. I just wanted a place to rant these thoughts in my head. The crowd of people out there is very overwhelming that my energy is zapped.

To be honest, I hate crowds and the feeling of resigning to the position always bugs my head. I'm often viewed as a misunderstood individual, a quiet fellow then that's who I am.

Here it is, I write these mishaps for I repress them inside of me. I repress and hide these mistakes. I even predict to the fact, that I might let those people down, yet I'm doing my best to be what they wanted to be, even though I'm not what they thought.

The feeling of giving up is present. I'm supposed to be enjoying my "last" first day,and I encountered the opposite.

Truthfully, I force myself to be an extrovert and it is awful after. As quoted in an article, "We know what we can and can't be.

We know what we have to be, well, we know what society expects us to do – to conform.  So, mostly, we do.

I share this memento because, truly, I can relate to it. Sometimes I wish to be the fella who have lots of energy, who can be as outgoing and sociable as I can be. However, I am not built that way. I'm doing my best to adjust, as quickly as possible and I don't know what the outcome can be.

Probably, today's first day is exhausting. Somehow, I must adjust so that I can get used to it.

Thank you anyway for listening, true friend.:)

Whereabouts

One wonders if their life is viewed from a one-sided mirror. Sometimes, I thought about watching myself in the real world, what I really am and will be always.

Sometimes, I just want to leave everything, drop it for I have enough. The idea of giving up so easily comes to my mind. This idea of not being good enough comes to my head every time I have been there.

Rejection is not new to me, yet I always thought of myself as a failure and a detached soul whose purpose in life is still fleeting. Right now, I'm sighing and complaining because I am imagining what my life will be if I had not made these decisions.

Often, I ask myself why I am here in the first place. This is the year in which I will be seen, and being seen, can sometimes be a curse and burden to me.

Sometimes, I wonder why the spirit from above made that decision for I assume that I will not be ready for it. That is what makes me nervous this year, and I know for myself, that I will do my best.

Do you even want to stop time and rewind, just to save you from now?

Regrettably, that thought echoes always.

But I'll be okay.

A Different kind of Sad

Tonight, I write these thoughts to you:

The difference between being the real you alone, and being with other people is uncanny. It is unpredictable, in the sense that one is willing to pretend, to fake her own well being to survive in the real world.

One is willing to mask their own true emotions and rather, pretend to have none. Bowing to logic and rational thinking, and just hide every cent of statement in her own skin, are the safest things to avoid conflict with other people.

This is what I have been doing all along, and I have to admit, it is not working.

For me, to crawl and survive in life, I have to pretend. Pretend to be outgoing, to be vivacious and loud, for a couple of minutes. Then, I can fit in and belong even once in a while.

However, these steps are not even working. I realized that these actions bear a lot of consequences that already made me suffer. I lost weight and I have various mood swings and fevers going on. Because of this, I realized that it came back again.

The word itself, is the one I faced before. In fact, I named it already. I just cannot tell it here, or to anyone else.

It clouds me again. Every day, I think straight but I feel empty, in the sense, that I always go back to swirling thoughts of grey, links of melancholic tunes and sadness that always bear inside my head.

It affects me a lot for I am not even sure who I am anymore. I'm stagnant, and feel like I'm floating behind that dark cloud. I'm like a still pond, full of murks and moss atop of it, wherein these moss represents worries and unclouded judgement.

Though, I'm satisfied of the concept wherein life has its own sad tolls, this sadness is a different kind. I don't know anymore how to define it... and I'm sure it is not the hopeful kind of sad, the sad I always find enchanting...

This sad is confusing, yet I push myself to let it flow. Let that dark cloud pass away for my lonely soul to feel the sun, sometimes.

I just miss them... I think that's my own truth. However, I do not want to hope anymore that they miss me back. I never had the chance of people visiting my own place surprisingly, telling me that we sincerely wanted to see you.

Sincerity, my favorite word. However, I find others very difficult to have it.

Let me put this at end. Even though these lonely thoughts are engraved in this paper, I find it appreciative for even a non-living being is always there to listen to my own ramblings. It is for me to realize, that solitude is a friend I could always count on...

Here's to loving loneliness where thoughts are real and deep...

My own view

There are ways. The thought I always tell myself to lessen my own sanity.

I tend to be detached so that I can think things through and listen to my own thoughts. If one is reading these words, one can picture out that I am a loner.

People view loneliness as an illness, a void that one must avoid to fit in to the world. Before, I'm afraid to be alone, yet as I journey further, I always find myself to be alone as always. I find the idea confusing, and I hate myself for being a loner.

 I keep asking myself what is wrong with me. Should I find a way to ease this illness of mine? Should I try to at least fit in and change so that people will finally be with me, at their own ease?

These repetitive thoughts keep scrambling in my head every time. I know how to hide and bury it deep within but as time flows by, I find the ideas repressive...

During the time in which I never expected to be noticed, to be heard, is the moment wherein I started to count on being me. I finally believe that I am worth looking up to...

Yet, I was alone at that time. By then I realized that solitude is one of my greatest friends. Indeed, I find a way and that is, to accept who I am even when other's don't or find me as a misunderstood individual.

"Skinny Love"

I was listening to my playlist. Few people knew that I really love mellow and sad songs because of their depth of lyrics and sense of words.

One particular song that hit me, is entitled, "Skinny Love" (2008). It's first version is from Bon Iver in which the melody is somewhat jolly but the lyrics are full of sadness and irony.

"Skinny Love" has been covered by Birdy this 2014. However, I find the first version better than Birdy's cover. Ed Sheeran also made a cover of this sad yet amazing song.

"Skinny Love" is a song about two people who think they are in love, however one of them recognizes that that love is destructive, malnourished for both of them are in a relationship for a sake of having one. Maybe the reasons are for lust, or desperate pressure that one must be in a relationship.

I find the song beautifully ironic. (Seems so, because I have an ultimate bias to sad yet beautiful melodious songs).

The chorus:

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be kind
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be right....

What's more beautiful is, the lyricist of this song, Justine Vernon quoted that the song is dedicated to Bon Iver's ex, "Emma".

Wow, It is ironic and funny how one's exes can give inspiration to make a beautiful song. Seems like the great writers and musicians are either loveless or brokenhearted.

Random thoughts

It's been awhile.

Pardon me, for being hidden and secretive. At least, I can tell these thoughts in here. It is worthwhile for even a short period of time, I have seen you again even a little.

I still have "it". Even though how many times, I force myself to not deal with "it" and not comprehend "it", "it is still there.

Part of me is that defense mechanism, that shield I make of being cold and heartless is still there. The ultimate truth is, I am afraid of being hurt again so my alternate solution is to hide that wounded heart deeply, so that no one can play with it...

And who am I to hope for it again? to long for that mysterious emotion that even cold hearts still seek for...

You have somebody else and I pretend to be psyched about it. Anyway, that is my notorious skill, being pretentious and letting anybody have it their way. From afar, I notice you. It is embarrassing and that longing feeling of a reciprocated love is impossible to attain.

It is confusing yet I tend to satisfy myself to the idea of being friends. We are good friends and I think that is just what I am to you, a good friend.

In fact, if we have the ability to read each other's minds, I could have tell these things to you. Without any liabilities, the sincere truth.

Bench

Walking halfway, there is this bench from school. This wooden bench in which randoms strangers sit and wait. Mounted on the ground, it is standing to hold every person's weight.

The description is already insignificant. It is just describing a wooden old bench beside a statue symbolizing what the school is about.

It is funny for once I remembered that old bench. It is the spot wherein I write my own thoughts during a class. It is the spot wherein I write my own whereabouts, as I sit and admire the leaves falling.

It is also ironic for it is the spot wherein I break down and cry. The location where I just burst into tears, and people were shocked why I break down.

That moment, the day in which people expect me to be joyous and happy, is also the day that I was grey, problematic and lonely. Even though it pains me to say it, I find that day dark.

In that bench, is also the moment wherein I never expected somebody to listen to my own problems. Though I find it pretty embarrassing for a stranger to hear my weaknesses, I find it enticing for once to be broken and vulnerable.

However, dark moments in life are also the days in which I find people who really care. There is also one person who somehow his hand once lift me up, for he offered it. I pushed myself to be okay, that everything will be alright, and that moment is the one that made me realize that it is. I never tell the reason why I was tearing that day to him, but I have never expected for that being to come through.

No wonder that bench is something special to me for it somehow, recognizes my own feelings even if I'm just a complete stranger, sitting on it.

When I visit again, that bench is the one I will long forward too.

Random note

All my life I wanted to be successful, savvy, and clever. Pretty much, every approach I heed on my entire life is to be rational, to be goal-oriented and to think things through.

I never take things personally. Every task given to me, I devote myself into. One sees me as this workaholic type, who ,every thought in her head, is to be successful, to have her efforts finally rewarded for the time being. I am that person who finds solutions (even some of them did or did not work). People view me as this tough and mysterious being who never backs down, concealing every emotion I have secretly for it might ruin my brain and interrupt my analysis.

To the one who might be reading this, I think you may ask if all my life,

Am I not bored or stuck living the same thinking of being goal-oriented?

 Am I used to living a life in which I can shoot an arrow, and expecting things I can control fall into the place I wanted them to be?

 For awhile, I find my life not worth living anymore. I find myself too controlling of every situation that I never stopped to let it go, once in a while. To live life freely as it should be, without my cold hands controlling everything. 

Sometimes, because of this nature of mine, I gambled one of the best friendships I have. In the end, I lost it because both of us, wither it. 

I felt lonely. For the first time, I learn to acknowledge my own feelings and emotions. Though, I'm tolerant at being alone, I felt cold and forgotten. 

Most teenagers in my age, will be problematic if what will they wear in the day, or when will they have a boyfriend or a loving relationship. Most fellas my age would be horrified if they were not invited to a party or any social event. Then, I realized that what sets me apart for most of them, is that I follow what my head will say. Sadly, I have a tough head and misunderstood aura, that all my life, I have been used to dwelling.

I don't know what to do. Yet, I believe that these thoughts will change gradually and slowly, in my own pace and time. 

Someday, I might know the answers. Someday, I might found a light that I will follow, perhaps even keep me warm even a little.

Thoughts

There might be times that I want to be invisible. Times wherein I want to not exist for sometime and be that non-existent and invisible soul who watches behind the sidelines.

These ideas are the one lurking inside my head, before entering something new. I wanted to be invisible. I wanted people to just pass by me. I never pictured myself as the person who is daring to be noticed by everyone, and be someone who will leave a mark to most people.

I did not think anybody could ever notice me and stood by me even. I push people away and I let myself guarded behind my wall wherein I feel safe and secluded.

Silence has been one of the truest friends I have, for it does not judge. It is a little amusing for I prefer being alone every time. Yet when I see people, enjoying each other's company, I felt a nagging sense of belonging.

I always tell myself, is there something wrong with me?

Before, I ponder that a lot. Time came and I realized that what others think of me, is not my own business. I am thankful though, because in the end, I realized that I am never alone.

There are also people out there like me, encoding these thoughts on their blogs and listening to some mellow music that clears the mind.

As introverted as I am, I can do anything. I will do my best always and God is always there, for he never leaves me behind.

Bubbly

Here is this bubbly girl. She is the light of the party, the one who will laugh with you and gives you a bright and lively moment.

She is so jolly and a comedian at heart. No dull times will occur when you are with her. Everything is infinite.
You wanted to be her friend because of her positive vibe, that obnoxious yet happy smile of hers. You admire her confidence, her guts to speak to people, and her attitude that will always shine whenever there is an event that people will always gather.

Her optimism is grounded. Honestly, you wanted too, to be like her. You wanted to have her positive vibe, that social butterfly attitude of hers is the one you wanted to learn also by yourself.

Friends are there right? They support you and held you up one by one. You are close, closer than others cannot even define. You are also hoping that her positive nature will be the one to guide you to be a better you, to be against the world. Both of you, against all odds.

You believed in her. You believed in the things you shared with each other. You believed and trusted.

Then, reality comes in. Here is when both of you, realized that you are too different. Both of you stand at the polar opposite of the pole. She is north, and you are south.

She is bubbly and you are quiet. Both of you needed each other but suddenly, the bubbly one walked away.

That girl she always thought that will stood by her thick and thin, is gone. You are left alone, afraid and confused for that optimism you always admired through her, switched off...
You wanted to asked why? for in the first place, you trusted her. You believed in her...thus, that question always left you hanging.

Yet, sometimes you realized that you cannot overestimate the power the change people. She walked away and you cannot do anything about it.

You have to do it alone, and you are used to it right. You are fond of being alone, quietly gathering all information to get the responsibility done. By then you realized, that sometimes you cannot count on anybody. Let alone, entrusting to someone your own self development and standards.

She is still that bubbly and optimistic girl you've always loved.

You are still the quiet one, observing in the background.

It's civil already. You chose to walk away too, for the relationship is not worth saving anymore.

PUJ

Ningsakay nako,

 

    Wa ma'y kaila, nindot ni kay ako ra usa

Tan-aw pud ko sa may bintana

    Nindot kaau ang hangin.

Nindot kaayo ang adlaw sa gawas,

    Pero ako...

Naghilak sa daplin

   Basig napuling ra siya, opinyon sa isa ka pasahero...

Gitabunan nako sa akong panyo...

   Wa ko naulaw sa akong kaugalingon?

 Wala ra man ang uban, nindot ni kay ako ra usa

Akong gipugong akong mga luha...

 

  Ulaw man...

Sa tanang lugar, sa dyip man gyud...

 Napuling ra ko kadyot...

Dihang naabot nako

  Undangi nang paghilak...

Wa naka sa PUJ.

  

  

Motivation

This note is for the quiet ones, wallflowers, who find happiness just by reading a book or looking outside, dreaming:

It is okay to be quiet, to live inside our own worlds that nobody knows.

It is powerful to speak your truth clearly, amidst all chaos and noises outside.

You have your own voice, use it and say something clever for it is worth remembering.

It is okay to decline a social event into a good book, or a time wherein you can unwind and get lost outside.

It is even better, to spend time alone for solitude is a loyal friend of ours.

Silence is even sweeter, unique even for it is rare in this noisy world.

So if people will judge you, belittle you...

Let them be.

For we, wallflowers, just observe them quietly...

inherit their own opinions into our own minds...

So embrace silence,

for in reality,

it is one of the purest friends indeed.

A sarcastic note about what I feel...

I guess you are going to hear again, my own rants and thoughts, about what is going on. Truth is, I had enough of everything...

Inside of me, I wanted to scream these crashing thoughts. However, bearing and concealing it with a cold poker face is the one saving me from my own sanity. It is exhausting and I have been used to dealing with it, handling everything on my own yet I'm starting to doubt what I can really do.

I just felt miserable, let alone sad just thinking about it. Yet, I know that for the first time, I learn to acknowledge my own feelings and letting it be because I could not even handle everything anymore. I have my own limits.

I conceal these thoughts in my head by bearing a cheery smile and face. I think also that this is what I'm good at, withholding anything and never letting anyone in.

I can't please everyone... and sometimes, I find it frustrating because when it's time for me to say no, a big no, I end up feeling guilty of myself, not doing the said task.

THE PROBLEM IS ME. IT IS ALWAYS ME. and that's my own curse. It's the one making me angry, irritated and frustrated inside.

I'm smashing words because I'm angry at myself. I'm frustrated and misunderstood. Why do I need to pretend? Why do I need to mask what I really feel just to please anyone and get the job done? It's the job that I love, not much on the crowd or anybody else to make friends with.

It's irritating to let people push one to be sociable, you have to be extroverted to let people like you and let them follow you. Why can't they accept that this is who I really am? It's fuming inside, and these thoughts, these voices in my head are the ones bothering me, making me question who I really am, doubting of what I can do anymore.

That's it. Today, I'm dying inside and to tell you the truth, I'm starting to think about it again...

"It", death. Killing, let me suffer to wipe myself out of existence...

Forgive me, my old friend to making you hear my own rants and drama about this dull, hopeless life. Though, I'm thankful that you are the one who helps me through thick and thin, I felt appreciative about it.

I'm lost. I don't know what to do anymore...

I don't know if I could save myself, from my own sanity...

Understand

Misunderstood...

    A word all my life, I'm starting to get used to hearing.

Even the closest people in my life,

    They never really did.

Should I?

    Should I force it to make them understand me?

There is nothing to understand...

   This is already who I am.

Sometimes, I wish that they can accept it.

  Rather, have one or few people in this world who can accept me...

It is sad, a sadness that I thrive in almost everyday.

  Sadness that I have been used to longing, befriending it.

A hopeful kind of sadness...that is beautiful and silent.

  I appreciate it for it is only what I have, what I live for.

Can you understand me?

  For if one is reading this,

Please do.

Inked thoughts

There are times that I could not think straight, thoughts overlapping inside my mind. I think that this is what I really am. This is what I'm wired for.

But why is it that way? Sometimes I even wonder, why am I like this... Why am I this silent and strange girl who thinks like a guy? Why am I wired this way? Questions always boggle my brain. 

I even thought that maybe God picked up a wrong gender for me. Sometimes, I even forsake why am I a woman, this weird and cold thinking female who is frequently misunderstood by anyone...

This reserved and stiff individual who is always reading, and thinking about strategies and things. Yet, time comes that I learned to accept this. Time comes that I, in return, know that this is really me.

Sometimes, I end up drifting into my own thoughts. Yet, I'm very talkative when it comes to writing, rather than speaking and talking things out loud.

And you know what, I think a blank paper is a better listener, than people because it never judges you silently. One is allowed to flow her whereabouts in his blank sheet. That is also why, I considered paper as one of my special friends.

Yet, I even made a mistake of using words to hurt someone for the reasons that even I can't comprehend. Let's just say, life always gives it toll. People change for it is nature and quiet people like me (who is always patient) has its own limits.

These thoughts are always there and I think it is much better for me, to conceal it in. Perhaps, everything really happens for a purpose.

Here it is, these thoughts are always present in this blog, this strange online paper who enjoys silence with me.

Praning

Sometimes, I'm doomed.

However, it is only a feeling. Being doomed is a signal that one is ready for an upcoming problem or situation.

Somehow, it connects to a signal into our brains. This is also a sign of over-thinking in which it has the tendency to create non-existent problems in the first place.

Over thinking is thinking, a mechanism of a person to imagine innate possibilities and solutions of such future possibilities. "Over-thinker" is a term coined for people who has this skill and they come off as natural planners and thinkers.

However, over thinking is also linked to having a pessimistic outlook of life. That is also why, I tend to display a cold and "bitchy" face to the outside world. Because of this scenario, I often came off as a misunderstood and stiff individual among the crowd.

This is a video on my animation class. It somehow expresses what I thought.

A note to them...

Tonight, I will reveal something. Now I have realized why I don't have much friends, let alone true ones.

In the end, friends will always grow apart for they have their lives ahead of them...

When will one realize that a person is true? 

I have been used to people who leave me, let alone disappoint me...Yet when it is my turn to speak out and be blunt, I always end up hurting them...

That is why I detach myself around people. I never felt anything. The longing feeling of being in a good company is always absent. 

I think that I never find it hurtful to be alone and contented with my own company. Yet people always see it as a liability, a note of having self-confidence issues. Yes, I get scared and afraid but as a person, it is normal.

I notice everything, every detail and scenario with every person I encounter. Though I never express and react, does not mean I don't care. It doesn't mean I don't notice...

I remember that memory. It's summer and your words are we should stick together and help each other out. I hoped that you will be that person who will stood by me, thick and thin, against the odds.

However, that memory becomes a drifting false hope. 

I own my mistakes when I was too honest, yet I said what I think it is true. 

I guess both of you are good enough for me to realize, that I should not hold people who are close to me, to high hopes and standards...

They say pain changes people...

and yes, I have changed to the fact, that you don't know me anymore.

Goodbye...

I notice everything...

 your eyes

Possess pride and undeeming fear...

You hide it so that nobody will

know that you are afraid

If only you will tell me the truth...

I'd understand

but I guess your pride got in the way...

I have nothing to do about it.

I'm done.

Thank you for our time together.

I guess, this is it...

Goodbye.

Reality Check

Hidden beneath that cold and calm exterior,

is a storm brewing.

I often mask my own feelings

with a thick, unbreakable wall of ice.

That is also why,

I seem to be pushing people away...

even the closest ones...

because I know, I would hurt them...

through that storm inside.

I said sorry...

lots of times because I don't want them to leave me.

But, that's my mistake...

I always have high expectations when it comes to people

Especially to that special people in my life...

Now I've realized that...

I should stand on my own.

Build that wall again, and don't let anyone in.

Because the only being that I can trust...

is myself.

Set me free

People are there. Walking and minding each other's business. Yet, you are in that corner looking at something, quietly observing.

Your friends are there. Same shallow greetings of the day and they go on with their classes. You like to go with them, however you are walking calmly and slowly. You watch them as they go in front of you, giggling at each other about trivial matters.

In front of others, you are the kind one (or too kind to be exact). However, you are the one who is hard to read.

Smiling to let your friends to know that you are happy pretending. Smile because there is a good joke or a boisterous laugh. For it is only a therapeutic remedy of your pretending soul.

You love the people around you, but sometimes, there is a such a thing as too selfless.Questions start boggling your mind.

What will happen if I don't care about them too much?

 What will happen if I stopped? 

What will happen if I change all of a sudden?

Will those people I love are true to me?

 or Am I the one not being true to myself?

You sit at the chair beside the window, thinking. You wallow your own reality into your own thoughts crashing and making war. It is loud enough inside your head so why do you bother talking to them.

That's it. You don't know what to think anymore. You just shut your own mouth, staring at others blankly. As vague as your expression, your friends don't really know what's inside your mind.

The school bell rang. People are standing and quickly getting out of the room. You are the last one to get out because you have no one to share your silence with. You are imprisoned with that wall you build around yourself.

It's ironic isn't it? That wall you build for protection, serves as your own dark prison that leaves you misplaced and misunderstood.

Yet how ironic the situation is, you still hope for that someone to help you wreck that wall. You hope that some people will set you free from your own sanity.

Hope.

The sound of the word is beautiful already. It gives a tiny crack of that wall you intentionally built.

Everything will be fine. At least, the crack is significant already.

Missing Independence

People start noticing and cheering.
rooting.

It is weird.

For, I always walk alone.

A mechanism that all my life,
I am starting to get used to it.

Yet I am proud of it
Self-reliant and Independent

questions echoing.

Don't you feel lonely?

Is solitude the only true friend you have?

Why am I alone?

Optimism counteracts.

Alone is freedom.

Free-spirits live.

Solitude is my best friend.

at least,
I am free.



.

Tidbits

What does the thing called love feel?

Another question is, what do I know about love anyway?

Perhaps, my own definition of love is always masked with sadness and heartbreak.Though I approached it with a cold stare, I never really learned to feel it, let alone develop it.

It's unbearable to hope that it can be reciprocated. It's frightening to watch how one gives that vulnerable part to that person, and the latter just walks and takes it away.

And why do people keep aiming for it? why do hopeless souls keep longing for it even though it leaves us with shattered hopes and dreams of what could have been?

Why do people repress and hide it, leaving that person never knowing that somebody felt it because of him?

They say, people make stupid things when they are in love.

Smart people tend to bring their guards down, and for once, letting that person come in and be a part of them.

Misunderstood fellows find somebody worth trusting for because once in their lives, they never felt alone.

When in love, you are vulnerable and defenseless.

But the question still remains,

What do I know about love?

On the Unwind Perspective

Few people know this secret of mine.

I have always coined the term, "unwind".

Mag-unwind sa ko.

A valiant excuse when people ask me what am I going to do next.

Well, for me, unwind is...

Getting lost.

Let my feet lead the way, as I walk everywhere.

I mean, everywhere and I have never really cared about the distance.

Mapa-Colon pa na, Uptown, Ruta sa 12L

I want to be lost once in a while and sit on a park.

So far, I have visited and traveled many spots especially in the south.

Most beautiful park that I have visited is in Dalaguete.

A Bus away, from the city terminal.

Alone, I just went there because of the sea view that is facing directly on the park.

There, I just sit.

I think for a while.

I see people.

Alone and contented of my own company.

Happiness.

Or to put it simply, I'm just bored and a frustrated traveler.

Wander

I am happy watching you from afar.

Though these thoughts can never be spoken, bear these words in mind.

The semester is ending near, so as the time we spent together.

It's funny how a single raffle draw, leads us into getting to know each other.

Thank you.

Thank you for making me feel again.

Thank you for making me realize that,

someone as cold as me could meet a great and bubbly person like you.

Even though you are annoying,

I reluctantly accept it for that is who you are.

I know these feelings will somehow fade away,

and love is just a temporary gift of life...

Still, I'm grateful for even this cold soul, can be a part of your life.

Call me a pessimist, or a sad and lonely being,

but meeting someone like you feels like a blessing

A temporary blessing.

and maybe in another time, our souls can meet again.

I could encounter that warm soul of yours.

It is even weird, coming from a cold thinking female.

But still, I will be fine.

So, I guess time will tell.

I infer that time will decide and I have to look away.

So that, my heart can be guarded from getting hurt again.

In another time,

I hope that you can recognize me, because I still bear that false hope.

Hoping that we can be.

The Wall

Do you know the funny irony is?

It is when the blunt truth always hurts us, leaving you with the most awkward scenario on how to respond.

I build a wall, to protect and guard myself. A wall, so high and complex that I can't let anybody let in.

I'm proud to have built that wall, telling or implying to others that the wall is structurally built.

I am happy because I have a sanctuary on my own in which I am safe.

I am glad that wall protects me.

And the irony is?

Though I love watching how people try their best to pound that wall outside, laughing because they can never get in,

I am half-grateful of how others do their best to break in and enter that wall, because of their efforts.

I keep saying to them that please you can do better than that, break in...

then why am I building that wall in the first place?

That is sole purpose, is to protect and guard me.

Why am I loving people who do their efforts to break in, and discovering outside of that wall?

Then I realized that wall,

That wall becomes a prison.

As much as I repress it deeply, pushing myself to be comfortable being alone.

Telling myself that it is independence, and freedom.

Heck, I hate lying.

Though I commend myself that I use my brain a lot, reasoning and thinking all the time,

Truth is,

I'm lonely.

Perhaps, cold and forgotten?

Misunderstood by others.

But, it's their problem, not mine.

And I commend those people.

who took notice of me, thoughtful that they take their time to get to know me...

So instead of a wall,

I will build a bridge.

However, bearing in mind that I will still guard myself.