Scribbles 9

A friend asked me that what if, you are just using him in order to forget about the last love you have experienced?

I was confused at first and I nodded in silence because what if I have hurt another person because of my ability to hide everything inside. (Curse me for being an introvert.)

Still, the question is still boggling me. I walked home thinking of the same question, exhausted and confused. Then, I looked above and true, the attachment is still there inside but I tell myself that find little things to gain in every moment in the present, instead of dwelling on what you lost.

I explored long enough in that dark memory that sometimes, I am sad thinking about it again. I lost him and I grieved about it in the past. I accepted it and move on because I'm trying to shift my focus to the future.

My mistake is that I swear to myself that I prevent myself from feeling again, stick to studying and reading books only and focus on the needs of my family. This mistake is also the reason why people judge me as the bitter one, but honestly, I am lonely.

Then, He came and it was unexpected. I have never realized that it could mean anything else. In fact,  he helped me to feel again and heal those wounds. Though He never realized it, that's what I feel and I still hide it.

That is my curse, being an introvert and pretentious, because I'm also a coward and afraid to be taken for granted.

I think that use is not the right word for it. Instead, a gesture of a little help that yes, made a big difference on how I see myself and the possibilities.

He just came and fixed me.

Because of him, I, the Grinch, open up my heart and feel again.

However, this Grinch is still terrified of a little leap of faith and will only flow out these words on a blank sheet of online paper than saying it on person.

Fixations, WHEN can I ever get rid of it?