A Greeting

Silence and solitude are my most precious gifts to myself.

Words, and thoughts can be heard clearly when I'm alone.

I find it nice, and endearing. Thoughts about random things overlapping inside my head.

Even though people will judge you for being the quiet one, I learned to live with it.

Opinions aren't really based on facts and the truth.

I chose to believe in what my inner voice says.

To be gentle but have integrity and honesty.

People judge.

That's what they do when they are bored.

Well, without them the world cannot be as busy as it gets

The world cannot be functional and will be left as a dump of nothingness.

That's it.

and I have to say this too.

Merry Christmas strange and online paper. :)

Thank you for always listening.

Air mail

To the wind:

Every particle that you bring ahead, invisible or not, at least hear these words out.Words that I cannot speak to him, for I don't even know how to withdraw them.
At least, you are a long time friend for you always listen to me, alone and appreciative of the silence given.
I know that it was never mutual, or it will never be.However, I wanted to let these hidden feelings out before it will burst.Feelings that I masked with rational thoughts and hoodlums, hoping that someone will notice.

Hear these unrequited thoughts for him:

I know I am just a friend. It was never my decision that my feelings for you can change through time.
Though, I admit that I am cold and heartless.Beneath that, is a coward hoping for a glimmer of chance.
I just want you to hear me out.

I liked you. Why? I don't really know.

That's it ,for I don't want to hope anymore that these feelings can be reciprocated.

At least, I have confessed to you. I don't know how you will react. I think you may laugh, or even avoid me.

But please, Can I have one request?

For once, be honest. Be your old annoying self. So that, these cloud of sadness can flutter away with that wide happy smile of yours.

Please wind, breathe this mere words within.

For they remained unspoken, and pretty soon, these words will die out. If you can deliver it to him, I will be a little giddy for once.

From:

Blank.

Thoughts

Sometimes, I even wonder that inside this little world of mine can be a high wall to others.

Well, for me it is just a sanctuary of thoughts, and cacophony of ideas. Do they even have time to listen to their own thoughts?

I always do, heeding it as my mental voice. That's who I am and I have learned to trust it. 

But then again, every little world has its own ironic memories that keeps flashing back. Every corner of my head, is filled with happy and sad memories.

Whatever comes out of it, one does treasure both of those because of life. Ever since then, I realized that everything happens for a purpose.

The road is somewhat rocky, but one has no choice but to enjoy that journey. At least, the fragment of enjoying it is more of a positive outlook.

Beneath it.

Every time I see it.

It made me realize something.

Underneath that cold machine that processes information,

Gathers data and does assignments

is that neat and tidy box called Emotions.

White and fully adorned with decorations and color.

Beneath my grey and informative exterior,

that tough and expressionless soul doing a plate,

is a heart that is broken,and somehow used to being hurt.

Though I prefer following that rational part of the brain,

heeding my mind as my master,

I cannot help but wonder,

if one can accept that heart of mine that is not completely healed.

But then again, time is the best adhesive that repairs anything.

At least, beneath that cold facade,

lies a heart that is forgiving.

Behind that mysterious exterior, is a loyal person that can smile at adversities

Underneath it, is someone good.

At least even a little, it made me happier.

Exist

Do one ever knows the existence of one another?

Questions that seem bugging in my brain all along. The word, "Exist."

Exist, in the sense, that one is present but not necessarily accepted.

Oh, the irony of a person existing, for the sake of its shallow meaning. The person just exists, without depth of meaning, and the most common painful reason,

The lack of acceptance.

One does undergo that stage. The stage wherein one is insecure, void, and empty to the fact that he is useless and defenseless.

One who compromises himself just to please everyone, make others happy for he is afraid to show who he really is.

Well, a human person is a deep and complex specie to examine for it has layers of personalities that he truly want to discover.

Each layer will just show up, adapting to each situation just to fit in, and to compromise.

Well, that's every human's adaptation just to survive the bitch called, Life.

And sometimes, because of the toughness of life, they started to forget living.

Sometimes, I asked myself the same question.

Am I really living? or I just do stuff for the sake of it.

Heaven knows.

Motivational post

One day, I'm going to feel again.

That's a shimmer of motivation that I always tell myself even when, I'm busy and studying. I have to admit that it's a blessing.

A blessing in disguise, because I would not be able to discover myself and stand on my own.

Though, it is sad. First loves are always the first messes in life.

Well, no hard feelings taken. I have learned my mistake anyway.

Still, I'm happy for that friend of mine and I'm happy too, because I have learned to love myself even more.

People change, and feelings tend to grow apart.

Those memories are worth reminiscing, moments that I always treasure as a child.

But then again, life doesn't stop for anybody. It moves on.

I just tend to laugh it out.

If we end up together, I would still be that kid who is so naive and believes in happy endings and fairy tales.

I would still be that kid who lets everyone order her around, pleasing everybody.

I would still be naive, and scared.

I never would've grown.

You would not either.

So it is a win situation.

Thank you for making me realize that.

Thank you very much.

Introverted Thoughts

Hello.

One word that can start any conversation. Saying that word, makes both people at ease.

Conversation is an act of sharing ideas, thoughts and concepts. Well, that's how I define it unlike sharing emotions, and feelings.

Opinions about something that can make both worlds tick. Perhaps, that's why I prefer myself talking to myself, standing up on my own opinion, and never mind what people think and care about who I am.

Never caring of what people think and care about who I am.

The thought echoes like Hell, A symphony that my brain thrives just to be gentle with myself.

It's crowded, but I am in tune with my own thoughts and concepts. That's why I'm at best when I'm alone, free, and independent.

Most people tell me that I am the kind of person that suffers from deep social depression, with no friends to accompany it.

Well, a bullshit thanks to those people for they were wrong about that judgement.Thank you though for that honest opinion.

I never viewed my introversion as a weakness, and it pisses me off why people stoop me down. Well, that's their own opinion not mine.

It's funny though, they never realized that because I am not the type who throws tantrums at their face to fit them in.

However, behind my cold and logical shell, lies a forgiving heart that I hide in my sleeve always.

Goodbye.

A word that ends every conversation.

Silent Goodbye

I am staring at the ceiling, raindrops falling, mood music serving in the background.

Alone, contented of myself's company. Looking at it, and it's obvious that I'm thinking of something.

Not something,

Someone.

Sadness fills the air, well, my aura is grey itself that night.

The strange thing is, thinking about that someone is not painful anymore

The sadness surpassed.

Bitterness minimally decreased to a level of content.

I've accepted the fact already that I only loved you in my head.

I think about you when I'm alone yet I'm smiling.

Because of Happiness, perhaps?

Yes, because I have to let you go. 

You have somebody else, 

Why would I bother fighting for that spot?

It's funny too because in reality, I often mask this thoughts with a brave and cheery face

A brave facade that hides a crippling burst of pain and unexpressed emotions.

Emotions? Sometimes I condemn having them because I never let them make my own decisions.

I guess that will be it, right?

Nothing will happen between us.

Nothing will ever will.

So, I guess this is Goodbye?

Goodbye, Opposite friend.

Dear Friend,

I haven't typed for a while for indeed, I'm participating life.

In the sense, I'm still figuring out if I'm happy or sad. However, that is life right? A balance of both happiness and sadness?

An uncertain mystery that keeps moving on?

At least, it's the break so I have time to fill you up with introverted thoughts.

It's funny right? How I can be so talkative here inside my head, rather than on the outside world...

How I can be so tactful, flowing words out swiftly from my brain, rather than talking it out with a lots of people...

Maybe in the outside, I'm deeply staring at an empty blank space, perhaps a wall or an outdoor scene.

I guess, I find myself wandering again inside my own head.

Detached, as usual. Music in the background, the tune of the piano playing yet I'm satisfied.

At least, it's the break, I have time to repress those feelings. I have time to let those feelings die out for it's not even worth it.

I'm used to such habit. I find it funny for I can't believe I almost fell for it.

At least, I think I'm happy.

Or am I? Skeptic as usual.

I think I confuse you a lot, but I'm not apologizing because it's my own.

At least, I will give you thanks for listening.

Introverted thoughts

I seek happiness. Everybody does. I seek joy, sorrow, pain, love, lust, excitement, compatibility, desire, affection, and fulfillment.

Most importantly to be happy, I mean who isn't. I want someone to share life with, friends that realize and accept who I really am.

Whether, I never tend to admit this illogical thoughts,it is true.Some repress this so deeply and are such in denial and such misery, that I have accepted this as a way of life and be contented with loneliness, if nothing else to prove that I am wrong.

I am tolerant at being alone, and perhaps, I tend to need more alone time than anybody else but that doesn't mean I don't need love and companionship-quite the contrary.

People might find it selfish and intriguing, that I detach myself in a room full of people, quietly analyzing the things going on in my head. But that's just it is, I prefer following the rational part of my brain rather than making my decisions based on my feelings.

I compartmentalize anything,every aspect of my life, finding a neat tidy box to store emotions in a dark corner in my head because I find them unnecessary and confusing because of its ambiguity.

Ambiguity, in the sense, that I am unfamiliar with them and hate talking about them. It's complicated.

I have everything already figured out, mapped out, and ironed out through and through, adding another human to the mix would completely upset everything and

I hate change. I panic and over-analyze everything which is so frustrating because it doesn't make sense. I am lethargic, and restless because my mind is utterly obsessed with new ideas, strategies that will somehow make my world tick.

So what? I'm doomed?

Quite the contrary, No.

Life takes work and I must learn one thing, perhaps learn it the hard way as possible.

I must learn to trust.

When I find the right person, suddenly everything seems clear and maybe, life becomes more exciting and fascinating to watch how different my partner is from you, and how that person and I can work together and grow. Suddenly, the immovable objects in my life are moved because I want them to be and maybe,

That's what life is all about: compromise, love, forgiveness, happiness, family, companionship...

As long as I never close this door in my heart, everything will be okay.

Opposites

You are annoying.

That cheeky grin you always had on your face, splitting it in half, is very disturbing because you are so jovial. You are so sunny and jolly that I find it very disturbing. Your face when you distort it just to try to make me smile is a valiant and intriguing effort.

You are dumb and stupid for making those silly noises just to get my attention. What freaks me out the most, is that you are so happy, finding every glimpse of light about everything and you can almost land on your feet.

You never take anything so seriously and that's what I hate the most of you. Yet, when it comes to that special someone, you fell flat, and tongue tied and it's so annoying because you don't have the guts to say it to her face.

Despite of all that,

You are very sweet.

That cheeky grin you always had on your face, splitting it in half, is what makes me weak at the knees,making my gloomy days get brighter than usual. You are so sunny and jolly that I find it hard because of my cold shell. Your face when you distort it just to try to make me smile is an intriguing effort which makes me wondering, even my logic cannot handle it.

You are dumb and stupid yet you accept it. You even apologized for it, but you don't have to justify who you are because you already have my attention. What freaks me out the most, is that you are so happy, finding every glimpse of light about everything and I find it admirable.

You never take anything so seriously and that's what left me hanging. Yet when it comes to that special someone, I was heartbroken, in the sense that you fell flat and I'm stuck, hanging in an uncertain balance. What intrigues me the most, is that you don't have the guts to tell her.

Just tell her and it would make you happier.

Even though it breaks me inside, just tell her. I'll be sadder if you do not.

Reasons

The reason why the world exist, is because it does. It is constant and unchanging and everything happens for a purpose.

Just a thought in my head as I was sitting in the dining table. My mind is full of voices, thoughts overlapping and ideas interchanging. I just live inside my head that's all, because it is where I can concentrate more. Pretty much, I tend to be skeptical about the things happening outside in my head because in reality, everybody has its ugly truth. 

That is also the reason why, I detach myself, in a room full of crowded people because I often think about something, maybe figuring out a puzzle that exists in my head.

People might find it selfish that I am detached. They might find it difficult to break the wall I have built around them because I created it for my own personal gain. 

However, as generous and righteous as I think I am, I am selfish, like everybody else. Selfish in the interpretation of being scared that people can use your vulnerability to their own advantage. 

It's an ugly and scary world outside, but even if it is, I tend to find a light that had changed my perspective of the world.

Introverted as I am, I prefer being alone because I find it relaxing, rather than being in a crowd of strangers draining your energy, and sucking your thoughts, leaving your brain dead.

Thoughts

Sometimes, I find it annoying when people always asking you to never mess up, shouldering their burdens for your betterment.

It pressures me a lot though part of me, (greatest part) is they are just guiding me to the right path, and I'm thankful for that.

 Sometimes, I just thought that what if I mess up?. What will they think of me after that? It's frustrating to think that you have to grow up faster than them, think for the betterment of them, and be mature for them because it is the right thing to do.

Part of me, Yes. I'm crying on the inside, masking all my hidden emotions with a poker and expressionless face.

I'm trying my best to be better but there is a nagging feeling of me, the surreal emptiness that makes me more annoyed and anxious of what's going on with my life.

It's just that, it sucks being the grown up in the household. One has to plan everything in life for stability and the so-called, "fine" living, wherein you have to be the pressured role model for your youngsters to look up to.

It's nice and rewarding to be the role model but one tends to grow up faster than usual. However, I'm used to such treatment.

It's just that, I just wanted these thoughts to be written that's all, and for me to breathe better.

Most people I know tend to tell me and ask me that, "Don't you feel empty and cold?, living your boring life?"

I just answered happily and tell them, It's for a purpose. At least, it helped me. but I also added a bit of impulsive words because I can't stand people commenting on how to live my life.

I Get it.

I get it.

The times I cannot look at you directly.

Moments wherein, I cannot talk to you straight.

But then again, what else can I hope for?

It's nice to feel that emotion again.

At least, behind this cold mask is a glimmer of loyalty and faith

But, all I can do is look at you from a distance

Wait for instances that someone like me, can look your way.

As much as I wanted to hide it, bury it so deep,

I wanted to scream it to you so that I won't hope any longer

Because, I get it.

It's okay.

It's hard that you like somebody, but doesn't feel the same way.

I tend to laugh it out, thinking to myself that it is harmless.

Because, I cried for that stupid emotion again in the past.

Even though it's like this, I will just smile

Because I get it.

MBTI Personality Test--EUREKA!

MBTI or the Myers-Briggs Test is a Psychology exam wherein one can discover a little glimpse of their personality.

These test has 16 types, shown in this image right here:

AND, I've gotten the result that I am an INTJ- Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judgement.

INTJs are known as the Scientists, often described as the Masterminds since they are known to be the origin of every idea. Like me, they are known to be long-range thinkers, preferably living in their own heads and approach every situation logically and rationally.

Yes, it speaks a lot. No wonder, I am so logical and tend to use a lot of reasoning when it comes to making decisions. In addition, these types are known to be the Most Independent. 

Ironically, I get that a lot too since most of my ideas and contexts are cooked up inside this big brain of mine. Somehow, I live inside my head and detach myself outside the environment that for me has to make sense in order for me to go back.

I think always and observe the environment. People always see me as the cool and quiet type because me in a high school class, is the reserved one. Plus, it's quite a funny story since INTJs are known to be as the Evil Masterminds, and I find it actually true because I prefer a smart and notorious villain and I often think of sadist and morbid scenarios inside my head just for the entertainment of it.

I follow my gut, and intuition and considering the possibilities that it might work. It gladly speaks my inner aura. Furthermore, I develop quite a thick skin because everything has room for improvement.

FAMOUS INTJs:(in movies)

INTJ WEAKNESSES: (Yes,everything has its own)

They have the reputation of being uncomfortable expressing their own emotions, for they know its an ambiguous entity. They can be insensitive and blunt. Probably,they are low in interpersonal relationships for they rarely trust anything to people because they have the ability to pick up and clean other people's messes and unfinished projects.

Somehow, I think that I am the one finishing up for everybody when it comes to Group Projects. It is one of the pretty much, my reputation for when it comes to group projects, I tend to be the beginner and the finisher too. 

Personal relationships, especially romantic ones can be the INTJs Achilles heel. I reluctantly agree to that because for me, love, the emotion that everybody longs is so ambiguous and confusing, pretty much logic and reason cannot inject its own sense to describe it.

Honestly, it is not really my area for love is yeah, I have the utmost tendency to solve it and figure it out yet I observed that people around me has neither the utmost common sense to make sense.

Probably, that is the reason why I tend to avoid relationships for it curtails my freedom and independence. I have to focus on things much more important than those stuff.

Here is the link if you want to try it out:

http://neurolove.me/post/46504235881/a-test-to-determine-whether-youre-a-infj-intj-isfp

And a random picture:

Yet, some of these information is at it is, information that can be altered. I rarely agree to them. Hahaha. I will never apologize for being so SKEPTICAL about anything.

Lunar Realization

The moon is so bright as the waves of the ocean paves it way to shore.

Its beauty is surreal, mysterious and lovable. I look at it,seeing myself smiling.

Smile, a habit that one can choose just to lift their spirits up.

It took a while for me to realize, a decade to think about such deep adversaries.

Yet, letting go is a very hard thing to do.

Accepting that everything happens for a purpose, well it always does.

Probably, that's why I tend to write these feelings in order for me to forget you,

At least, every memory seems to vanish half way

Feelings change through time.

People change.

I'm happy that time is never friendly for us.

For, I have woke up, realizing that it was never meant to be.

Sad to say, I'm still the one hoping in the past.

But now, I'm thankful.

As I quoted the words I said to you in the past, "Thank you for being an unforgettable friend of mine."

I'm talking to myself, looking at the moon above because I'm happy.

I walked home, thinking and my thoughts are clear and blissful.

Thank you for being an unforgettable friend of mine,

UPD.

11 QUESTIONS and Random Facts

This is from a blogger friend of mine which has many followers right now. hahaha. But then again, I'm flattered that I was tagged in participating this shizz.

Thank you to oishari.blogspot.com.hahaha...(You have many followers na.:D)

Here are the rules for receiving this award:

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.

2. Answer the 11 questions that the tagger set for you.
3. Create 11 questions for the people you’ve tagged to answer.

3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.

4. Go to their page and tell them.

5. No tag backs!

 Hahaha, This blog has few followers.hahaha.But then again, I'll answer this shizz for fun.

11 RANDOM FACTS

 

SWEETS AND DESERTS ARE MY  FAVORITE FOODS IN THE WORLD.

HUGE FAN OF DOGS. (Pembroke Welsh Corgi pups)

I LOVE STARGAZING.

I DAYDREAM A LOT. My body is on Earth and My mind is somewhere else.

 

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK!                            

   I LIKE TO SEE AN ACTUAL SAKURA TREE.

  

I AM A HUGE BELIEVER IN SECRET SOCIETIES IN THE WORLD.

PHILOSOPHY is one of my favorite subjects.

    

I LOVE COSPLAY.

   I'm a Product Design Student battling materials stuff.

AND LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST, I LOVE READING POEMS. and a believer (more like a sucker) of DESTINY and FATE.

YEAH, SO 11 QUESTIONS

11 Questions 

1. Favorite Dessert

2. Favorite Singer

3. Favorite Actor/Actress

4. Tattoo or Piercing? and in which body part?

5. Marvel or DC?

6. Explore deep sea or outer space?

7. Your style inspiration

8. Biggest beauty mistake

9. Skater skirt or skinny jeans and why?

10. Your guilty pleasure

11. If you weren't you, who would you want to be?

 

FAVORITE DESSERT. CHOCOLATE AND STRAWBERRIES IN A CAKE.

FAVORITE SINGER. KAREN CARPENTER OF CARPENTERS. SHE HAS AN ANGELIC VOICE.

                       

FAVORITE ACTOR. JOHNNY DEPP. (Man, He is amazing and versatile.)

and Benedict Cumberbatch. (SHERLOCK HOLMES)

Yeah, never in my life I have planned on this but if ever, I want a tattoo in the back of the neck.

MARVEL Comics. (I really don't know the difference. hahaha)

I love both man but I prefer deep see especially the most famous lost city of ATLANTIS, AND Titanic.

I don't have a designated style but I do love conservative and comfy clothes. I'm really tomboyish man and I don't really care how I look just as long as its comfy. hahaha

Biggest beauty mistake was probably when I chopped my hair really short for 2 years. I've never seen my hair grew longer.

Skinny edgy jeans.:)

Guilty pleasure. Probably, listening all night to such old timeless love songs everyday. It becomes a habit and most of my playlist are old and classic love songs.

If I weren't me, I would probably like to be a pilot or a woman who is engaged to explore the world through a solo Air flight like Amelia Earhart.:)

11 QUESTIONS

(I will reuse some.)

1. FAVORITE FOOD

2.FAVORITE ANIMAL

3. TYPE OF MUSIC

4. Tattoo or Peircing in which Body Part?

5. FAVORITE ACTOR/ACTRESS

6. If you weren't you, who would you want to be?

7. FAVORITE COLOR and Why?

8. YOUR DREAM PLACE OR Destination you want to visit?

9. Explore deep sea?outer space?or underground?

10. One Adjective that will describe YOU.

11. Guilty Pleasure

11 PEOPLE I WILL TAG

1. that-random-girl.blogspot.com

2. http://barbarabalistoy-up-comm2011.blogspot.com/

3. http://randomnessatbest.blogspot.com/

4. http://kirstency.blogspot.com/

5. thebindicator.blogspot.com

6. http://kimberlytorres-up-comm2011.blogspot.com/

7. http://ynnaerikkabisnar-up-comm2011.blogspot.com/

8. http://ynnaerikkadiary.blogspot.com/

9. http://agnesamea.blogspot.com/

10. http://sharmainenaquila-up-comm2011.blogspot.com/

11. http://johnpaulfamisan-up-comm2011.blogspot.com/

THAT'S IT. ---BOWS----

Two Spirits

Two spirits.

One who can be described as a mysterious one.

The other is the carefree one.

An Odd combination because they are different.

The other prefers an intuitive approach, calculating every possibility to be sure.

The other likes to move through everything like a breeze and as happy as possible.

Logical.

Creative.

A cold spirit.

A warm spirit.

Though different, they both share one prized possession.

Freedom

Yes, two free spirits who plays with fate even though they are different.

However, such spirits value their freedom.

Chances are, they drift apart further.

Such spirits float effortlessly,

Because they are free thus making it impossible to merge into one.

Well, one doesn't know if such spirits be together.

For, time can tell if both of them will find each other.

Or the possibility of being meant for each other.

Yes, life can provide such uncanny answers.

Sometimes, one can be satisfied with a simple "Maybe".

Maybe both spirits find themselves with each other.

Maybe the other felt something while the other not.

Maybe the possibilities are endearing.

And that's it, one doesn't know the ending of everything.

Both spirits are foolish.

But then again, both spirits are created to be humans.

Two people.

A mysterious, cold and methodical person.

and a carefree, breezy and warm person.

Probably, a combination that is worth fighting for.

But it's up to those two if they will work it out.

Maybe, a simple friendship?

Or well,

The answer lies in one factor every person longs for in this world.

Love.

Scribbles 23

"It's amazing how I can be so blunt about everything but my feelings."

Probably, the statement really struck me because I can relate to it. I find it weird (and amazing) at the same time because when people, or probably friends keep sharing about their own love lives, I find the situation awkward and empty because I never tend to experience it.

Somehow, I accepted the fact that I can be abrasive at times when it comes in doing the job and I know myself for being a cold and logical being but when it comes to feelings, emotions, and probably yeah love (even I am writing weirdly), I find it uncomfortable mentioning it and not thinking about it because for this one specific reason:

I....am.....scared.

Scared of being hurt by selfish and careless actions; afraid of being confined and trapped in a stuffy relationship; and, I'm scared to give away my individuality and freedom for such person if ever.

However,even though I'm scared, I'm willing to wait, if ever for the right person which this rare quality that I really look and I consider that person, very special.

I long for a person, the guy who will have the guts to outwit me, probably beat me in my own game and have the courage and sincerity to say it straight to me how he really feels. Then, that person is a keeper.

In fact, that person is so courageous, and special because he well, beat me.

In reality, Some people even though how deeply they will fell in love to such person can be hurt by some unconscious actions.

And I think that's why I prefer feeling it, and then easily, get over it because I,myself have my own priorities to choose. I choose to follow my own gut and my brain, rather than my emotions trying to take over.

Yeah,just a cold and boring post because I see myself as a mental person, rather than an emotional one.

However, I do hope that I will find someone whose demons are compatible with mine.

Even this logical person is also a sucker in Soul-mates and meant-to-be scenarios. But nah, I have to focus on my goals and dreams first.

Scribbles 22

All I want is understanding and acceptance of who I am and who I am not.

Probably, that is why I am so cold and aloof because I hardly trust others when it comes to emotions and problems because I find it stressful and awkward.

That's why I always wonder, that how can a logical and technical,and what others say as,"boring", fit in in this crazy world?

But then again, that's who I am. It's not my obligation to please others, and sometimes, I tend to bring my guard down because I also liked transparency of thoughts and ideas.

I maybe have many friends, some true friends, but I tend to make light encounters for them to be better.

I love to make smiles on their faces because well, I'm also a direct and friendly person.

Then again, when it comes to feelings and stuff, I find it weird and sometimes, numb to the fact that I hate mentioning about it.

Others might call me for help because actually, I find helping better to ease my mood and I'm happy about it.

I'm used to hiding those anxieties that I feel inside because people might find it dragging, plus I have to set those aside for the work to get done.

I'm used to hiding my anger but then again, I rarely get mad because I value the importance of that relationship rather than destroying it. I hate it seeing myself angry because it is such a waste of energy.

Yeah, nice talking strange,and online paper!.:)

Freewriting

I was in the room as my siblings do their own usual routines. Probably, my only companion in the room is my mind and some music to ease it. Then again, I hate to be bored so I just want to talk, or withdraw these words that I have been keeping in just to make my heart at ease.

Things jumble around as I face each reality everyday. It's weird and funny of how long the time passes, and how my journey makes me contented and happy.

 In reality, life is always a balance of sadness and happiness but it is one's choice of which memories and happenings he will treasure. I tend to look at life as a humorous gag and an ironic splash of reality. Well, there is always a purpose of why things happen in one's life.

There is a purpose of why my mother tends to be like that because it helped me become stronger but it also hinders me of saying what I really feel in her face.

I still believe that there is a time that my mother will realize that she raised an independent daughter who is capable of making the right choices.

There is a purpose of why I was trained to shut up, and listen to every single critique,insult, and judgement of others. It helped me to realize that people are not worth compromising because it is never between me and them.

I still believe that there is a time that they will realize that but I will still continue to do what's right despite the costs.

There is a purpose of why that guy and me well, separate and distance tears us apart.

It made me forget that feeling thus, helping me to focus on what's more important and it is never meant to be. I have learned to let it go and believe me, it's fulfilling and a blessing.

There is a purpose in everything. Most people in my life are passing through but, there is also the real ones, true friends, who stay and I appreciate that fully.

Besides, people come and go and there will come a time when one has to face their journey peacefully, and alone.

Moreover, I find this post funny because it is like I was making a last will and testament. Dude, I'm still engaging to deep thoughts mode and that's who I really am. I always float and daydream during free periods.

Therefore, I conclude that I am still a person, a lot weird person but I find that exciting.

Nice talking!

The Name

Damsel.

People always asked me how do I get that name. 

Well, my mother liked fairy tales where there are dragons, princes, and damsels present there. She liked reading those stuffs and no wonder, she gave me that name.

I find it unique because few or rare people in the world has that name. 

Though uniqueness is its positive side, I find the name quite vulnerable because "damsel" in layman's term is the girl who always look for her knight-in-shining armor all the time. "Damsel" in the dictionary always wanted to be saved rather than hold those responsibilities for herself and be independent.

That's also why, I prefer being the independent henchman, rather than the "damsel-in-distress" or a princess wanted to be saved by a knight in shining armor.

Then again, knight-in-shining armors never exist in this generation but I never know that.

I prefer living in this reality as a sensible and practical person and leave those fantasy worlds behind. 

I prefer leaning to a logical platform because that is where the truth always prevail. I learned how to live my life as practical as possible,observing and thinking rather than letting my emotions handle me in my life.

That's why I fancy the public,because they are naive. I don't have to compromise myself to them because they are not worth it.

Scribbles 20

Finally, I have done all my responsibilities in the last few days. Then, I can write random stuff in this strange online paper.

I can't believe that I did it and I feel honored and humbled. Well, at least I earned income to pay for my tuition,then I can be at peace.

AND Today, It's MOTHER'S DAY.

Yeah, I greeted my mother earlier as I woke up,then I helped her with the chores in the house. At least, it was a light encounter because I know my mother helped me a lot in discovering myself.

Then, I find it overwhelming because in the last few days, my parents really helped me a lot and for once, I wasn't alone.

Here, a random picture just to end this short skit:

Scribbles 19

The disadvantages of having an excellent memory is the inability to never git rid of events and random memories.

Sometimes it's an annoying gift because such memories always comes back to haunt you from the shadows of the past. I find it funny and ironic because sigh, life has a funny way of exploding itself on your face proving you wrong. 

I mean, it's my fault also because I tend to plan ahead on what to do in my life that sometimes, I forget to live  life as it is. I forget that I have no full control of it.

What can you say? I'm a person too, I make mistakes.

It's funny because I have realized that history repeats itself and I find it ironic too. I never expected that to happen because I tend to live a simple and organized event in life when it comes to school and studies. Furthermore, I said to myself (and probably, one of the biggest lies I have told to myself) that in college, I will purely study, get a diploma, get a job and move on.

However, I realized that man, it's boring to do the same routine everyday. Moreover, I am a free spirit and why do I have to bind myself in those things. 

I am a free spirit bearing the right priorities. I will do what it takes to fulfill those dreams.

Yeah, that memory from the last decade repeats itself recently at the present. I find it hard to figure out what the message is but then again, I find it funny and ironic.

It's purely coincidental and it's weird yet special at the same time because it is funny and ironic.

Life is like that. I find myself laughing whenever I think about it anytime.

Dream Wishlist

Well, Here I am once again. Probably the most random human being who writes random stuff in this blog. Then again, at least I'm not bored and this is my own blog, I can do anything with it.

Anyway, I will just jot down my things I wanted to do (so far) in my life. Some might find it weird,others,funny and some, sad but then again that's me: A random and weird human being.

Enough small talk and let's get it on. Hahaha.

1. Surpass College like a Ghost, an insignificant human being whom people will never notice.

2. If possible, buy Harold's Hotel and improve its interior and exterior then if bored, buy another hotel.

3. If possible, franchise National Bookstore in the South part of Cebu so that me, the owner of this sole blog, will never bother ride to Ayala to buy materials.

4. Buy a private island wherein you will plot your world domination ideas.

5. Make a virus that will hack the world's database and use it for own purposes, well not evil purposes, but for the greater good (unless,if the world will blackmail the owner,but then again, they can't because I have hacked them.)

6. Go to an unknown place, wherein the stars will be entirely visible. A clear night sky is all I need to fester my mood.

7. Buy a telescope or plan to go to an observatory.

8. Be a person worth assassinating, then I will realize how worthy I am because there is justice if I die.

9. Join both political orgs, or better yet, be half red and half blue. No one can tell the difference because they are the same in terms of, they stimulate a person's critical thinking when it comes to politics.

10. Make a book about the "bittersweetness" of love.

11. Collect random contact numbers in school (and yes, I have many random contact numbers in school. That's why my old phone is very special.)

12. Be an inspiration.

13. Walk from UP to Minglanilla. (Well, I have walked from UP to Basak, how much more if UP to my hometown, this would be fun.haha)

14. Jump off a cliff.

15. Be Secretary Gloria's assistant.

16. If the owner doesn't graduate on time, the owner will apply being a janitress in UP and earn income. (What's there to worry? I have took Maintenance 101 at home, I am the expert.)

17. Discover the warp zone in the trees in UP, a warp zone that can go to India from Philippines. (Seriously,there is India,Philippines;Indonesia,Philippines in trees in UP, they can be warp zones.)

18. For once, I will finally taste a coffee and a sweet dessert in Coffee Dream.

19. Try a cupcake, or a cake, or the most FANTASTIC Dessert I have ever tasted.

20. Travel to Cairo, Egypt and just get lost there.

21. Travel to the Amazon River and just get lost there.

22. Travel to London and just get lost there.

23. Travel to Paris, and go to the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, or just get lost in Paris.

24. Travel to RKS, then RCA.

25. Travel to China, India, Brazil, New Zealand.

26. Yeah, it's obvious I like to travel. So yeah, TRAVEL ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

27. Rent a Space Ship to the Moon.

28. Go to Mars.

29. Go to Jupiter, Saturn,Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto (Yay! I will never forget you.)

30. Own A Design Company, with DAMSEL as its name that targets the masses or kinda like RKS company.

31. If possible,work in RKS.

32. After working, retire and then be a spiritual monk and guru.

33. Get lost in the forest and if found, act like a wise Monk with a splash of good advice to those who are lost in the forest.

34. Own an hourglass because the owner lost the old one.

35. Own a weird and rare thing, a historical artifact and try to sell it for millions and search for Museum enthusiasts who want to buy it.

36. Go to every museum in the world.

37. Enroll in Harvard with a course in Anthropology (If possible.)

38. Invent something that will teleport people.

39. Discover who I really am and then laugh about it because I am a big joke.

40. Invent something that will slow time.

41. Invent a time machine.

42. Disregard plan no.41 because it will destroy the time continuum

43. Invent something that will discover the existence of heaven and hell.

44. Draw and build an animation company.

45. Create my own wizard school and then destroy it because I was the sole creator and destroyer of it.

46. Ride a bullet train.

47. Ride an old and classy train.

48. Go to Vatican, Bethlehem, and Mecca.

49. Die for the sole purpose of dying because the owner never regrets her life.

50. Tell that person, Who are you again?

51. Keep dreaming, POSSIBILITIES are Endless.

Yeah, that's about it. Nice talking Strange online paper.:D

To My Best Friend

I cannot believe it because I thought that you are my friend, a person that stood by me through the years.

How can you do a stupid joke like that to me? A joke that weighs on a medical condition that a normal person like I am, tend to be worried.

Is that what you call fun? Please, I suggest that you would do something productive in your life for once.

What's worse? That prank you did was first planned by your silly boyfriend that even I don't know how in the world, you believed him more than I do.

Yeah, I know that you knew me a lot because I am the kind who doesn't let the anger fester that long in my system but hear this:

You are not a real friend because you doubted me for being a true one. I would defend you at all costs but why do you have to do that stupid test just to prove my loyalty.

What's worse, you broke my trust, a trust that took years to build but a little prank fell that foundation apart.

And you know what, I take those words back. Then again, it is my decision to give you a second chance. Everybody deserves one.

You might walk away from my life then walk away then, I'm used to being alone.

That way, you will regret ever doing that to me. But, I will let the universe do that for me, because I have no power to do it.

That's life, People will always come and go because they are just mere beings but the real ones, always stick by your side and knows you a lot, your strengths and weaknesses.

Scribbles 18

Funny how life has its own way of helping you out. Well, it has its ups and downs and sometimes, one will always fell in love of how ironic and humorous it is.

It's funny of how the biggest lies one does to tell oneself tend to be their stepping stones in discovering their selves better.

It's ironic of how the things that really hurt you deep inside, are lessons that you can just laugh about it because it will always be part of the big picture, that's life.

Life is a balance of humor and irony and it's a splash of choices and decisions.

It is surprising and very unpredictable that sometimes, the things you tend to avoid and never expect to happen in your life, happens in your face that leaves you wondering.

I never expected that I will live longer;I never dreamed that I will be able to survive a prestigious school.

I never hoped that a course with the fancy name of Bachelor of Fine Arts Product Design will fascinate me fully. Well, the funny reason of why I choose the course because of how unique the name is and I decided to take a risk.

Yeah, I have been to the stage wherein schoolmates,classmates,teachers, and even my parents tend to question my own decisions. They expected me to take up a Science-related course like Bio, Chemical Engineering and even Psychology. My parents expected me to take up Law.

Some people are in shocked when they know the course I took. They even questioned me of how Art gets into my system.

I fancy the public's naivety of who I really am. It's funny yet ironic at the same time which is very interesting.

Well, I survived two years and I really appreciate it. I hope that it will be more.

But then again, I tend to never spoil what life has to offer.

Well, as my friend quoted : "We Never Know" (c)Dumasig, Jazeel.

Nice Talking strange online paper.:)

Scribbles 17

We might see each other again and I don't know how to react if I will see you again.

It's funny because people around you don't have the gesture to say a formal goodbye if they will disappear from your lives.

You disappeared from my life, without any warning, a proper indication of farewell that you will be going
away.

You went away but I discovered that first, as usual.

I find it painful.

It's ironic because we were kids back then, a childish friendship that seems to deteriorate in time and yet, I'm still longing of how it will turn out in the future.

I still remembered every inch of those memories that 10 years is just a number if you really love somebody deeply. But it's just as it is, it's just memories.

The person that you are last 10 years that I miss, is different from the person that you are right now.

However, as I keep moving forward, I realized that sometimes first loves are just disillusions and sometimes you have to let it go because people change and feelings change.

The spark is gone, leaving me cold and afraid.

But questions in my head still remains, will that spark return if I ever get to see you again?

I find it hard to figure that out.

Scribbles 16

Music in the old days. One can't help it for it rekindles old memories. Memories that make me happy and sad thus, making me a normal person for once.

Then again, it always brings me back to a world wherein I always lived, an escape from the boring and dull reality that I have always faced. So far, that world is always been my safe haven wherein I put my thoughts in there, dreams and fantasies that for once, I hope that will happen in reality.

It makes me happy and sometimes, people might find it weird but I don't have to compromise for them.

I think of possibilities that life will turn around for me but I don't have to control it because I have to let it be. I'm not God, or a supreme being that take charges every time and besides, it would be stressful if I ever overpower that supreme being.

I find it funny because there is one particular song in that playlist that makes me happy and sad at the same time, mixed emotions that I find weird because I view myself as a direct person. When I'm happy, I'm happy and well, you get the logic.

For once, I find myself smiling again, the smile that I haven't pictured out for the last decade.

To My Best Friend

Sometimes, we "half-know" people. Half-know in the sense that we never know what they can do or can't do because people in our lives are passing through, temporary beings that help us in getting to know who we are.

However, it is up to oneself to choose such people that they will dedicate themselves fully and sometimes, others might tend to hurt you, or even crush your spirit but don't let it fret to you because you only know yourself better, not them.

If only I can help you fully but sometimes, in order to let a person grow, one must leave them to realize their own consequences and be able to stand on their own feet.

However, I accepted the fact that you make mistakes for you are human, all of us.

Honestly, I wanted to hunt down the person who make you suffer and maybe, burn him to the ground and make a feast out of it to make him pay for his consequences but you let yourself do the act.

I can't judge you for that because you are also human, we make mistakes and sometimes, you have to face such consequences and for once, you have to face it alone.

You can do it for I have faith in you. I will pray for your safety and good health especially at your condition. Things will turn around.

They will turn around that life will surprise you again.

I will interfere in time,but right now, you have to do it on your own and for once, be free.

I give you this words because you are a special person to me, and I treasure you for that.

Scribbles 15

I looked at the stars thinking. Well, it's probably a habit that I think too much. Then, you came again in my mind.

Sometimes, I wonder if I ever came in your mind, just a little peak of it but then again, I'm not a mind-reader.  I don't really know anything.

However, I think of such possibilities, positive and negative ones. Possibilities that we might see each other someday; Instances that my feelings for you may or may not be gone because people change. Chances are you have changed and so am I thus, I don't even know what to think. 

It was confusing because I'm not a fortune-teller. I hadn't seen you for a long time and sometimes, waiting is unbearable.

Though, waiting for a long time is unbearable, when you love the person, one doesn't mind it because one is hoping that this wait will grant a dream of reconciliation.

When you love a person, you hope that you will meet again and hope that the unresolved issue will blossom fully.

In the corner of my mind, "Blah, it's just a silly puppy love. It will never work because they never fully developed. Plus,people change." It's rational to think about it.

However, the heart (well let's just say I like to keep it metaphorical. Plus, I know the heart's function is just to pump blood for oxygen but It's more interesting to add it.) urges you that don't let the feeling go and we never know what might happen.

Sigh, Emotions. Sometimes I even wonder why it was created. However, if it is gone, then Life will be dull and boring.

Plus, you are very lucky to have me being loyal to you for a decade and sometimes, I hope that you will wake up. 

So it ends, I hope.

I suffered.

I will wait.

I still hope.

I still love you for a decade.

But we never know. Life can be very unpredictable.

I even think of the possibility that you are gay because you are feminine as a kid. HAHA. Well, I can just laugh about my love life because it's the biggest joke in my life.

UPD

That guy who is now in University of the Philippines Diliman, if you ever found this, this is how I really feel:

Sometimes the worst part of being in love is its uncertainty. People longed for this emotion that sometimes they never mind being vulnerable because it is love, a fluttering emotion that gives happiness, bliss, and joy. However, the idea of it is beautiful but it does not mean that it’s always happy.

 In the past, I dreamed that my love story will be similar to my parents- they are childhood friends that ended up being together.  Such happiness and joy that they ended up but despite of that, they still argue but it is natural in a rational way. 

The only guy that I have ever loved was my first love from elementary. Honestly, part of my mind is the sense of longing that one day we will meet in the future, and maybe have a chance again. I dreamed that distance always makes the heart fonder and one day, he will realize that I still long for him and he is still there because he is special.  I believed the statement, that first love never dies and the fantasy that one day, we will meet and start again. The fantasy of good things will come to those who wait and long for it and the dream of us, ending up happily ever after.

However, as I grow and face reality, I shunned myself for thinking these thoughts when I was young. I beat myself for being an idiot, for dreaming that someday we will meet and realize that we can be more than friends. I waited for him but sometimes, back in my head that what if I waited for nothing thus again, leaving me lonely and defeated.

Furthermore, people change and feelings change. I accepted the fact that the love I endure cannot be reciprocated. Though I’m used to being the defeated person, if he is happy with another then let it be. I have no right to do anything because if it’s not meant to be, I have no choice but to leave it broken.

Leaving it broken, that’s how I’m used to live. I maybe strong on the outside but in the inside lay a broken and sad person. The thought of uncertainty that the love I build cannot be reciprocated is in the back of my head but the thought of there might be chance, is also there.

Honestly, love is a confusing maze because even this precise mind, cannot even figure out. However, I don’t really rush these things.

 I even prefer not to feel anything and stick to my own priorities and family and I still want to mend those wounds.

However, I still longed for that first love.

 Yes, even this precise mind is an idiot when it comes to love.

Honestly, I still longed for him even if it makes me sad because I’m hoping this sadness and sacrifice will pay off in the future.

 However, time will tell and life is unpredictable. These words that I constructed will become the biggest lies I have ever read in the future because I never underestimated the power of change.

One never knows what will happen but I still believe that God writes my own love story. God has plans for me because I’m his daughter.

And chances are, I don't want to think about it anymore. I choose to let you go and yeah, I have to keep moving forward.

“Without me, his world will go on turning, a world that’s full of happiness that I have never known.”-Eponine (Les Miserables)

Ordinary day for Silent Bittermelon

Silent Bittermelon wakes up early because she is getting ready for school. As usual, a cup of coffee is what she needs and a little bread to fill her stomach.

Her mother was in a bad mood again but she is used to it. She just listens and concentrates on her breakfast. It's just an ordinary day for her but outside, it will be an exciting adventure.

She didn't see it as an exhausting routine to go to her school because she prefers to be outside, doing something than being stuck inside her house. She is excited to meet variety of people in public transport and maybe laugh at their own faults and clumsiness in her mind.

She even sees it as an adventure to find a jeepney to ride everyday and challenge herself to get to it on time. Though people find it exhausting, she didn't mind because someday this routine will be rewarded into something big.

She arrived at school with that expressionless face of hers. People greeted her hello and she greeted back. It's special for her because beyond that facade, lies an innocent and cheerful spirit.

So yeah, she arrived the earliest as usual. She never minds because she is used to it. She thought of taking a nap for a while to level up her energy but she is restless because of her over-thinking nature. Moreover, she always sees it to a point that the person that arrives next is going to be fun to mess with in her head.

Then a person came and the second one to arrive, her jolly classmate Annoying Grapes. She dislikes that classmate of hers because of his happy-go-lucky nature but she keeps it in her mind. However,she still sees him as a friend because she is never bored whenever he talks about stuff. She tolerates him but in a non-platonic way and that dude is so feminine. Her first impression is that he could be gay.

She keeps that in mind because she is trained on how to keep her thoughts in tact. Then, her classmates came. A variety of personalities that yes, she can never get bored because she is surrounded with fun and amazing people. However, she still sticks to her reserved self because that's who she is. She joins the fun, talks and socialize.

It's just an ordinary day for some but she is used to making it not so ordinary because she is so unpredictable. For her, life is unpredictable and that's the beauty of it.

Statement

I remembered a friend and mostly the public (classmates, friends,and relatives) asked me,"Why are you still single and unattached?"

Hmmm, I answered a hint of sarcasm. I answered that guys see me as their guy friend because I'm too headstrong and independent. I answered that I don't really need a partner because I can handle myself better.

I can handle myself better. That phrase is always my answer every time somebody asked me if why I an still single.

However, I still long for true love, I mean who doesn't?. People longed for it even if it hurts them a lot and causes destruction to their own lives, because it gives happiness and bliss.

I have been in love with one person but I choose to let him go. I choose to be away from him to follow his dreams even without me by his side.

I remembered that time when he will go to UP Diliman to pursue his studies. If this is on a cheesy movie series, the girl would cry and asked the guy to be on her side forever. I would gladly to write a few words that would suggest the scene. The words will be, "Huwag mo na akong iiwan. Nandito naman ako Eh. Paano na ba ta'yo?" Damn, I would rate and criticize that movie a lot and even react on the girl that be Independent and Free. Huwag kang magdepende sa ibang tao. To have someone, is not an assurance to be happy.

What did I do? I encouraged him to go there as a loyal friend and follow his dream. I never showed any hint of negativity about his plan because that's what he wanted. He's happy that he can achieve greater heights. I was happy for him too, even if I was never a part of his success.

If you really love a person, you have got to let them go even if it hurts your own and curbs your own happiness for love isn't about being selfish, it's about being selfless.

That's the reason why I never believed that Love changes people and if you really love a person, you have to change for him. Love is about acceptance because if you really love a person, you have got to accept who he really is-his own strengths and weaknesses.  In a female's perspective, You fell in love with that guy because of who he is, not by the way he looks physically and attractively. In a male's perspective, it's about the physicality of the female because they are about transfer of genes. (That's just a gist of facts.)

In addition, people wanted to be loved, but being committed to them is another story. I also think that is the reason why I'm still single because I'm afraid that I might lose my independence but that doesn't mean I'm promiscuous. I have dreams too and wanted to aim higher to achieve this goals.

This is what I read: Men are more ludic (multiple sexual partners) because they are all about transfer of genes only. Whenever they have female friends, they are mostly stereotyped as the Alpha Male.

In general, I never fully trusted guys when it comes to love because most of them are ludic, and prefer to choose the easier girls to get that is why, I'm also cautious when it comes to that emotion.

That is also why I react (on my mind) about people complaining they have empty love lives. Man, Are you even ready to enter the game of love? Respect yourself and close the wounds of the past so that you can be fair to the next one who might fall for you.

I'm almost preaching in this blog so pardon me for that. Anyway, I will end this post with a statement:

To have someone, is not an assurance to be happy. Be yourself, and love a person who values that.

Nice Talking :)